Page 105 of Ruin
We’re not getting any younger, and we’re at the point we need to do something with our lives. I hate everything about mine, so what is stopping me from changing it?
Not getting what I want.
I’ve known what I wanted since I was sixteen years old. A lot of teenagers think they have their life figured out, but I knewwhat I wanted. It was always Lucian. Nothing else mattered. It didn’t matter where we were or where we lived, I just wanted to be with him.
There are a lot of confusing feelings when it comes to him. At first, it was just a crush. Daddy issues, obviously. But they didn’t go away. They evolved and changed into actual feelings. And when he reciprocated, when he gave me things I didn’t think were possible, those feelings became even stronger. I’ve pushed them away for so long because not having what I wanted hurt.
Now that I know why he left, I don’t feel any better. It changes things a little, I guess, but not really. He still had a choice, and he chose someone other than me. Had he chosen his son and not his wife, maybe my thoughts would be different. No, I know they would be. Lucian wouldn’t be the man I love if he didn’t put his kid first. But none of that was for Luke. It was all for Beth. He was worried about how she felt. She’d just lost her son, how could she lose her husband? But what about what I lost?
I thought I could get over our past and what happened between us, but I’m not so sure. Maybe I’m just in a bad mood and shouldn’t be thinking about it right now.
The problem is, I feel like a second choice when it comes to Lucian. Like he only came back to me when he had nothing left. I don’t like feeling like that. Is it something I can get over? Something I can look past? Something we can work through? I don’t know.
It’s easy to forget when I’m with him. Not just the stuff with us, but everything. It’s one of the things I like best about being around him. He makes me forget all the bad shit, and I’m just happy. But does that matter if it isn’t real?
I look up at the blue sky stuffed with fluffy clouds. It’s a beautiful day. I never liked the summer or the heat. Right about now is when it’s perfect. The sun is warm, but the cool breeze is enough to not overheat you. I can’t remember the last time I sat outside and enjoyed nature. Can’t remember the last time I enjoyed anything that wasn’t Lucian, honestly. I’ve been miserable since he left, and I know it isn’t healthy to base my happiness around someone else. Look what it’s done to me? But how do I find happiness on my own? What do I have to offer myself?
I feel like I don’t know myself at all. Other than Lucian making me forget, what makes me happy?
Sitting here is nice. The clear sky is nice. Drinking is also nice, but may be better if I did it at appropriate times and not as another way to cope with my problems.
I’ve spent many late nights looking up how to deal with all the shit going on with my head and everything leads back to one thing. A therapist. We don’t have one in this small town, and even if we did, I wouldn’t trust them. Everyone knows everyone’s business in Pinehaven, but I don’t think therapy would help me, anyway. My issues stem from a mindset, not just my trauma. If I want to get over it, I need towantto get over it. All I’ve done lately is wallow and live in misery over the pastand things I can’t change. I chose to do that. I haven’t taken the initiative to make myself happy.
I have control over my own life and what I do. So why am I allowing myself to be like this? That’s the million-dollar question, isn’t it?
Chapter Forty-Four
Kolton
I park my bike beside Lucian’s car, and by the time I’m getting off it, he’s already at the front door, waiting for me. It feels like a walk of shame as I walk up to him, like he knows what happened today.
“You okay?” he asks.
I smile. “Yeah, I think so.”
He nods, then moves aside to let me in.
“Kaison called.”
“I’m not—”
My words get caught in my throat when I see a suitcase by the door. My body goes cold and I feel like I’m going to pass out.
“You’re leaving?” I say, turning around to face him with my heart in my throat.
Anger swells in my chest. He’s leaving me again.
Lucian holds my gaze steady, his face not changing at all.
So this is how he does it. He has so much control over himself and his emotions that nothing startles him. Nothing throwshim over. He could lie right to my face and I’d never know. It’s a terrible talent to have, and I wish he didn’t have it.
“I was going to tell you sooner, but I didn’t have the chance,” he says.
“Where are you going?” I demand, stepping closer to him. My body is hot now, my hands trembling.
“Seattle.”
My eyes widen and I stumble back, all of the air leaving my lungs.
