Page 66 of Atlas
“I’ll have the same,” Tom adds.
The waitress leaves us to look at the menu. “What would you recommend?” he asks.
I chew nervously on my lip. “I always have the steak,” I tell him. “They cook it to perfection.”
He closes his menu. “Steak it is.”
I close mine as the waitress brings our drinks. “Are you ready to order?” she asks.
Again, Tom waits for me to order first before adding his own. For the first time ever, I feel respected. I’m still marvelling at that revelation, when he leans closer and says, “I read the case notes.”
I come back to earth with a crash. “Right.”
“The shit that bastard has put you through.”
I stare down at the table, focussing on the patterned tablecloth. “Hey,” he says in a sharper tone. I look up. “It’s not your fault. None of it.” I want to believe him. But my mother’s words echo in my ear.You wanted him to be like this and now he is, you want to leave. Well suck it up because marriage is hard and you owe it to Leo to stick at it.
It wasn’t true of course. I never asked for Damien to switch the way he did. I felt betrayed, like he’d reeled me in with dreams of a better life, only to crush them the second I got pregnant.
“And I know there’s more,” he continues, bringing me back from my thoughts. “Stuff you’re keeping in there,” he says, gently tapping my head. “I need it all, Anita. Even the ugly stuff you’re ashamed of.”
“It won’t help,” I mutter. “I told my solicitor the first time, when Damien got custody. He said the judge wouldn’t take it into account because I didn’t report it to the police.”
“Can I ask why you didn’t?” More shame washes over me and I fidget uncomfortably. “I’m not judging,” he adds. “It’s a genuine question.”
“At first because I wanted it to work and was terrified of him being arrested, losing his job. Then it was because my parents shamed me into staying. And eventually, it just became a way of life. Until I left.”
“And you chose to leave?”
I shrug. “I’m not sure.”
“What does that mean?”
I allow my mind to go back to that time. “I wanted to leave, for a long time. But I was scared for Leo. I think Damien knew I wanted to go so eventually he forced me out.”
“How?”
“Affairs. Violence. His treatment towards me was getting worse and worse. He’d do things to embarrass me, and when I was at my lowest, he’d convinced me to go on anti-depressants.”
“And he used that against you in court.”
I nod. “He said I’d had a break down but refused help. He made out it was untreated post-natal depression. He even told the judge he’d caught me screaming at Leo.” I give my head a shake, like that will somehow dispel the bad images. “I ended up agreeing to the deal because I couldn’t fight anymore.”
He nods in understanding. “So what’s changed, Anita?” I look up. “Things have changed, right, in you?” I remain silent. “You’re stronger this time. Freer.” He clasps his hands together on the table. “I know you’re stronger, Anita, I’ve seen the way you handle your clients. Even the biggest fuckers are scared of you.”
I offer a weak smile. “It’s a show.”
“It’s not. It’s you. And I need you to bring that to the court room. That judge needs to look at you and see exactly what I see.” His eyes linger a little too long, but before he can elaborate, our food is placed in front of us.
I take the first bite of steak, and as I look around, my eyes land on my father who’s walking in with Damien. Tom sees my panic and frowns before turning around to see what the problem is. He gives an easy grin and sits straight. “Are you ready?” he asks.
“Ready for what?” I whisper hiss, panic taking over.
“That show we just spoke about.” He takes a sip of wine. “You need to put it on right now.”
I shake my head frantically. “No. I can’t be seen here with you. You have to leave.”
He laughs. “Take a breath, Anita.” His eyes pierce mine and I find myself following his instruction. “That’s my girl,” he whispers, his words surprise me, sending a fluttering through my stomach.
