Page 102 of Heartfelt Pain
The gentle strokes through my hair feel good but I can’t relax.
“When Dad brought the idea up, I agreed easily. I wanted to impress him. I’m not like Elijah and Max with their cold calculating skills. I’m the son who went through a poetry phase. But quotingRomeo and Julietwasn’t exactly winning me any awards.”
I listen to his breath, as he gently brushes my hair.
“Not to sound like a fucking sap but I sat down at the table that first time I ever met you and fell straight off a cliff.”
My knees curl closer to my chest.
“You goaded me into ordering a meal because you thought Fujimori’s deserved the business. The con was easy because I wanted to keep coming back. I’d never found it so easy to talk to someone. About everything and anything. But it wasn’t that burst of ‘I’ve just met you and need to tell you everything in my soul’. I experienced a type of calm I’d never felt before. I came to lunch one time in between your meetings. You looked annoyed but then since I looked like a kicked puppy you let me sit down next to you in the booth. You didn’t speak to me because you were writing in your planner. Honestly, I think you were too busy and overwhelmed from the morning to spend time talking to me.
“So I sat there in silence, answering emails on my phone. At least for the first few minutes. It’s like what people tell you. About wanting to just spend time with a person. I could’ve sat there the rest of the day. I’d have helped Abe bus tables and gotten you a refill so long as I could just be near you.”
I remember being annoyed when he showed up, but it’d cooled quickly. I wanted to spend more time with him too.
“Then I saw your open planner and I peeked. It was exactly what Dad wanted out of this little charade. And I won’t lie, I didn’t necessarily feel horrible at first about what I was doing. I’d like to say it’s because I was stupid. I wantedmy dad’s love and affection. Clearly I needed therapy ASAP.”
Roma shifts on the bed, the blankets rustling.
“Cliff got suspicious about my appearances before you ever did. He ended up going to my dad. It’s not wise to threaten Lev Zimin, but Cliff had balls. He offered him a deal. He hated you anyway. So Dad moved the goalpost. I wasn’t supposed to just bring you in closer and silently influence you until we got better deals and as much intel as we wanted.
“Dad and Cliff considered you the girl from the Midwest. They didn’t think you could hack it. They wanted me to break your heart so fucking bad, you’d run back home crying. Cliff would be Dad’s man, though, the point would be that nobody would know. That’s direct influence. A made man. A better deal than the persuasion I’d have over you because of your love for me.”
“So you had to break my heart,” I whisper. He did, but not because of some well-executed fake breakup. I found out the truth before that could happen.
“I don’t know how you figured it out.” After a minute, he understands I’m not going to answer him. “My mom found me at one point. In the bathroom off the kitchen. I’d been puking. I’d never been so disgusted with myself before. You know Mom. How she can just look at you. So when she found me and stared at me while I was on my hands and knees by the toilet, of course I thought I’d rather just have a knife to the chest.”
His words bring a sensation to my chest. The memory of said knife.
“You want to know the most ironic thing out of it all? Dad said I’d disappointed him.”
If my chest weren’t already tight I think I’d feel anger on behalf of Roma. I never expected to take on that emotion for him, rather than blasting him with my own fury.
“I’d fucked up the plan somehow because you’d figured it out. And of course everyone was pissed. You don’t fuck with Fujimori’s and Aunt Macy’s operation is a byproduct of the place. He and Dima were fielding calls left and right. Mom kept looking at me strangely and Max got annoyed too because I’d fucked up. And of course, Elijah takes that moment to come back home because in his own words ‘He’d be my shoulder to cry on during this hard time’. I stopped answering my phone. Max and Elijah broke into my apartment after a week.”
No one came to check on me.
Roma plays with my hair again. “A week later we heard you’d killed Cliff.”
I know without having to look he’s wearing a puppy dog expression. Guilt because he thinks his choices spurred me into doing something that chipped away at my soul.
“See we all thought you’d still leave. No one could find you. Cliff started taking on clients. I knew you wouldn’t take my phone calls, but everyone else said the same thing. You weren’t picking up your phone. I thought maybe you’d gone home.”
People go missing all the time in our world. Did he really think I’d just packed my bags and left?
“Dad said since you’d gone off, there’d be no need to send anyone after you.” His hand stops moving. The lie his father told is blatantly obvious. I truly think he’s just starting to figure it out. Or at least finally examine a truth he hasn’t let himself look at before.
“I swear he meant it.” There’s urgency in his voice. Desperation.
I swallow a thick lump. “It doesn’t matter if he did or not.” My muscles are tight and I hug my knees so close to my chest.
It takes a second to untangle myself and turn. Romascoots back almost like he’s not sure how to react to the eye contact.
My throat is dry but I force my tongue to move. “I didn’t put a bullet through Cliff’s head just because I was pissed he’d gone behind my back and worked with your dad.”
Roma’s face is pale in the moonlight. His Adam’s apple bobs as I speak. I’ve seen this man kill people. He took several down when Leopold kidnapped Lennie. But despite Roma’s darkness, there are giant gaping holes of innocence that often shine bright. It’s where all the puppy dog eyes come from.
“Cliff wanted me dead,” I tell Roma. “He put out a hit on me.”
