Page 32 of Until Tomorrow
Maybe a lifetime?Who really knew?
I grounded myself by watching Eva comfortably talk with Amelia. I had so many questions about how the two of them had met. How had this been the road Eva ended up on?
Did she want this? Genuinely and honestly. Could she handle a life where I was with her and someone else?
Could I?
Every question led to another one without offering many answers. The only real answer I had was the understanding that I didn’t want a life without Eva. I was miserable—more miserable than I had imagined I’d be. If there was even a chance for some kind of way to… what? Have both?
Shit. And there my mind went with the wild thoughts all over again. How did something like this even work? Was I cut out for this? Anxiety-wise, I wasn’t sure I could.
“Logan, right?” Loren’s voice pulled me from getting stuck inside my head all over again. He stopped in front of me. When I frowned, he said with alaugh, “Eva talked a lot about you when we took her out to a drag queen karaoke night.”
Drag queen karaoke night?What had she been up to? That didn’t sound like something Eva would do.
“It’s nice to meet you.” Because what else was I going to say? I offered a hand, which he shook.
“You look like you don’t know what to do with yourself,” he said. “Why don’t you come outside with me? I need a smoke, and we could chat for a bit.”
“About what?” I asked tightly, feeling the red flag rise.
“Don’t get tense on me now, big guy,” Loren replied. He clapped me on the shoulder, and I froze momentarily. I didn’t know the guy at all. Still, his arm slid around me as he turned me. “Been there, questioned that, you’re not as alone as you’re feeling right now. Let’s have a chat, okay?”
“She told you?”Shit, who else had she told?I didn’t want to have this conversation surrounded by a room full of people I didn’t know. With a fleeting glance back at Eva, I let him lead me outside.
“Not quite. But I did catch part of the conversation she had with Foxy when she started crying,” he explained. God, that made me feel like crap. “Don’t worry. She was well taken care of.”
“That doesn’t make me feel any better about it,” I said. Not in the least. It should’ve been me taking care of her.Even if I was the cause of it all.
“Don’t beat yourself up about it,” Loren said. He pulled away and leaned against the rail, taking out a cigarette and lighting it. He inhaled deeply, blowing out the smoke slowly. Me? I paced because I didn’t know what to do with the anxious energy coursing through my veins. “Let me ask you something. Have you talked to anyone? Besides dropping this on your wife?”
“I don’t…” I cleared my throat. I didn’twhat? It wasn’t any of his business, but I’d heard his story too. Besides him, who else did I have to talk to? “I’m not good at talking about my feelings.”
“Welcome to an entire generation of men,” he scoffed.Amen to that.“Start with the facts. We’ll go from there. Have you talked to anyone?”
“No.”That was mostly a fact.Talking to Mr. Burke had been glossing over the details.“I don’t… I don’t know who I’m supposed to talk to. A bartender suggested a therapist.”
“Honestly, that’s probably a good start.”
“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”
“You know, the great thing about sexuality and relationships is that they’re exactly like every other part of life,” Loren replied. “There’s no one way to do anything. You can define both exactly how you want to.”
“That doesn’t help!” I exclaimed in frustration. “I can’t work in abstracts like that. I need something concrete. I need direction.”
“Okay.” He nodded slowly. My outburst probably made me sound like I was losing my mind to him. “Let’s look at it this way. I build houses, and the great thing is you can literally make a house out to be whatever the fuck you want it to be. But—but—the framework is always the same. You start from the bottom up: build the foundation, put up the frame… and so on and so forth. I won’t bore you with those details. Instead of overthinking it, you need to simplify it. You have an interest in men, correct?”
“That feels like it’s putting it too simply, but yes.”
“Have you done anything about it?”
“I asked Eva—”
“No, I know that,” he interrupted, “but that’s not what I’m asking. As far as satisfying your curiosity, have you done anything? Talked to men? Dated men? Had sex with men?”
“I asked my wife for a divorce, and that’s the only thing I’ve done,” I reiterated.Maybe I was being a little difficult.I sighed. That was the last thing I wanted to be, considering he was going out of his way to talk this through with me. I leaned against the rail beside him and crossed my arms. Quietly, I admitted, “I’m scared.”
“Why?”
