Page 116 of Until Tomorrow
“You can’t just up and move!”
“Eva—”
“You’re running away!” I exclaimed over him. Elliot drew in a deep breath, shoving his hands in his pockets while he waited me out. “You know that, and I know that. What’s wrong with you?”
“It’s different now, Eva,” Elliot whispered. “I’ve never been jealous of you and him. But now? It’s knowing that he didn’t want me sharing this with him. It’s knowing he wants someone else. It’s me… not being the one he picked. It’s the fact that I’ll never be wanted by him as I am. That… I can’t live with that, Eva. It’s killing me.”
“Thentalk to him,” I strongly enunciated each word with hopes it’d make some sort of an impact. It didn’t. I could tell from the look he gave me. “Just talk to him, Elliot.”
“I’m sorry, short stuff,” he replied instead. “He doesn’t want me. And logically, I know that’s okay. That’s his right. I’m not for everyone, but… I can’t pretend anymore either. And you can’t ask me to. I can’t sit at dinner with you two and pretend like everything is okay when in reality, I’m dying inside. I met Loren today.”
“You did?”Oh, my heart.
“Yeah, and he’s probably a great guy, but I couldn’t tell you because I hate him. I hate that he’s who Logan picked. I hate that I want to be him. I want to be that for Logan. I want…” His voice cracked. “There was always a barrier between Logan and I—straight and gay. You can’t get much more defined than that. And I was okay with it. Hell, I was okay with how I felt because nothing on God’s green earth could change that. At least, so I thought. I can’t shut that part of my heart off, Eva. I have been obsessed with him for twenty fucking years. I don’t date. I don’t do relationships. I’m just his best friend, and I was okay with that because I knew it was all I could ever be—Logan’s gay best friend.”
“You were always more than Logan’s gay best friend,” I interjected.
“I was okay being that because I knew Logan didn’t have it in him to love a man in the same capacity that he loves you. But it turns out that he does. And I can’t stay and watch him fall in love with someone else… with some other guy… and still just be Logan’s gay best friend. You have no idea how much that fucking hurts, Eva,” he told me. “I want to turn it off. I want to pretend. I want to stay and just live in a bubble where none of that exists, but I can’t. We both know I’d only be fooling myself. So, I have to go. I have to do this. For me.”
I blinked rapidly to keep tears from spilling over. Elliot’s anguish was all-consuming, and somehow, I’d missed it. What kind of friend was I?
“Don’t cry, short stuff.” Reaching out, he swiped a stray tear away.
“You’re leaving me, too, you know,” I said. “But this goes on the top of the Elliot Needs a Life list.”
I understood why—I hated why. I couldn’t force the two of them into a conversation that they weren’t ready to have, especially when I wasn’t sure my husband even realized how he loved Elliot.
“Yeah… I have a life, short stuff. Just a fucked up one where I’ve pined over my best friend for twenty years, and now I need to get a grip on reality,” Elliot replied with a sad smile. “You know you’re still stuck with me, right? You can’t get rid of me that easily, no matter how many miles are between us. Promise.”
“You’ll let me know if there’s anything I can do?” I made it about him because it needed to be. I could complain and gripe and make a scene, and Elliot would let me. He’d do whatever he could to help me feel better, but this wasn’t about me. It was about him, and I needed to focus on that.
“Someone has to carry all my boxes of books,” he told me. “I fully expect that to be your job. And getting down all my stuff from the high shelves.”
“Jackass.”
“But you love me.”
I did.So very much.
I found Logan in the bathroom, stripped down to his boxers and lighting candles while a hot bath with bubbles ran. Quiet music played while he moved about.
“I figured you could use a way to unwind,” he said softly. I smiled.My sweet Logan, always thinking ahead.
“You mean both of us, right?” I asked and stripped out of my clothes—rather, shimmied out of my jeans.Damn, these things were harder to get out of than I remembered.
“I do,” Logan replied. “I could use one too.”
I watched with complete admiration as my husband pushed off his boxers and stepped into the water. There was something oddly sinful about watching Logan settle in the hot water, bubbles clinging to his skin. The way he beckoned me to join him warmed my core—not thoughts I needed to have but ones that were hard to ignore.
The temperature was perfect, the bubble amount was exactly right, and the mood was soothing when I settled between his legs in the tub. Despite all of that, I was anything but relaxed as he wrapped one arm around my shoulders to hold me close. His other hand settled on my thigh, fingers tracing mindless circles into my skin.
“Are you okay?” I asked. While I wanted to focus on the little ways he touched me, I knew we had to talk about Elliot. Logan made a small sound but said nothing. “That’s not encouraging.”
“I need time to process it,” he replied, his voice quiet. His lips brushed against my shoulder. “And right now, I’d like to just spend time with you and not think about anything else. Is that okay?”
“As long as we come back to it.”
“We will,” he promised. He pushed back my hair, giving him access to my neck, and I recognized his need to get lost in something other than his head. He was trying to distract himself—not that I blamed him. I tipped my head to the side, eyes sliding shut, as he kissed his way up my neck. A little sigh escaped me, and his arm tightened around my shoulders. His fingers traveled higher up my thigh toward my center, and I tensed in anticipation.But then he went right back the other direction.“Relax, honey.”
