Page 106 of Until Tomorrow
There was no way.
“Come on.” He grinned wide. “We all know I can handle wood.”
“Jesus Christ,” I said with a laugh. We sat at one of the outside tables at our usual cookie spot, playingJengaof all things. The café had added board games and the like to its menu of random oddities. At this point, I couldn’t remember how many games we’d played, but the man had an impossible ability to judge the weight and balance of wood blocks. “I swear it’s magic. You’re magic.”
“Nah,” he replied. “This shit is just right up my alley.”
“You’re cheating somehow,” I retorted. I carefully leaned on the table and began gingerly poking wood blocks to find a weak spot. “This is because you work in construction.”
“That’s not entirely unlikely.”Again with that smile.It did things to me—things I didn’t need to deal with in a public place. Loren was all too comfortable with taking things slow for my sake. It worked. Most of the time. But there were moments like these when he looked at me like that, where taking it slow was the last thing I wanted. My dick in particular was racing toward a finish line with him that I had no idea how to cross.
Google was helpful. Sort of. Rather, internet people were helpful—though some weren’t. Some were just downright terrifying. And then I kept landing on some porn website that I didn’t want to be on because you could only look up so much about sex—gay or not—before the internet offered up porn as a solution.
Not that I didn’t go down that rabbit hole too.Unfortunately, porn also didn’t do it for me. It never had. And now with everything, I was seriously beginning to wonder if it all came down to attraction or whatever the hell I was going through.
And then that led to my secondary rabbit hole of rehashing my conversations with Amelia about what I found attractive about Eva and Elliot. I was painfully aware of how that didn’t align with the norm, and it bothered me. It bothered me something fierce.
“Hey.” Loren’s boot nudged mine. I blinked and glanced up at him. “You’re a million miles away, baby. Want to talk about it?”
“What do you find attractive about people?”
“Ah. Are we having a mini existential crisis tonight?” The words were said with no malice whatsoever but rather understanding. I liked that about Loren. There was a bluntness in how he spoke that I appreciated.
“Tiny bit,” I admitted. “This is what I get for taking a call from my therapist before this.”
“It’s not a bad thing,” Loren said. “If anything, it gives you the chance to get another perspective as long as you’re willing to talk it out with me.”
“I am.”
“Honestly, I don’t notice one specific thing about someone,” he told me. “Sometimes it’s physical, sometimes it’s not. With Katy, it was physical at first—she was and still is the prettiest girl on the playground. Don’t get me wrong, I love just about every damn thing about her. She could be wearing a potato sack and I’d still find her gorgeous, but don’t tell her that.”
“No, I get that.” I chuckled.
“I heard Jack long before I ever saw him,” he continued. “The man’s got the best laugh in the world. You can’tnotlaugh when he does. He’s just a ball of weird and chaotic sunshine, and I love it. And then there’s you—”
“Oh, you don’t need to tell me,” I interjected quickly. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know what he found attractive about me.
“But you’re adorable!” Loren exclaimed. I felt my face heat up, making him laugh. “To be fair, if it makes you happy, I didn’t initially find you attractive.”
“Thank you.” I wasn’t sure if that was any better.
“I was sleep-deprived and focused on taking care of you. You looked a little lost that first night. But you grew on me. It was a subtle kind of attraction, you know?”I did know.I nodded, unable to stop the small smile curling my lips. “I guess my point is, for me, it just varies. It took me a while to get that to make sense for me.
“I entertained the idea of demisexuality for a while—needing an emotional bond to feel attraction to someone—but that didn’t fit, considering I knew Jack for about thirty minutes before we hooked up in his hotel room. And there have been a collection of other guys along the way as well, where there’s minimal connection and casual. I have a preference for men, not women, if you couldn’t tell. I love Katy and would use you as a human shield to protect her, but I don’t find too many women who catch my attention.”
“Why does this have to be so complicated?” I asked. “I get there’s going to be variations across the board, but when I ask Eva what she finds attractive in men, she says it’s their eyes and arm veins.”
“I mean… that’s fair. Have you seen a nice set of arm veins?”
“All I can think is there’s a nurse out there somewhere who is grateful for that set of arm veins.”
“That’s probably fair.”
“But why am I not like that?” I continued. Sighing, I sat back in my seat and crossed my arms. “I’ve never been like that. I’ve always noticed people, you know? Men or women, it didn’t matter. I never thought twice about it. And objectively, I can tell you people I find attractive, but the longer I sit with it, I’m not attracted to them. And it takes time… I think. And it’s not physical shit that matters—though, I seem to have a great appreciation for dark hair and blue eyes. But that could also be because it’s what I’m used to with Eva. It’s also not an emotional attachment I need because I’m not emotionally invested in you. No offense—”
“None taken, Logan.” He chuckled, except that did nothing to ease my anxiety about saying the words out loud.
“It’s not that I don’t like you, I do,” I rushed to explain. “And I do find you attractive. I’m just…”
