Page 105 of Until Tomorrow
Anxiety that I’d also been keeping from Elliot. It felt embarrassing to admit that I had anxiety to a man who ran into burning buildings for a living. I dealt with contracts. There was no comparison.
“Because what if he left? All of this started because of that night. What if he blamed himself? What if he was mad at me—I don’t know why he’d be mad, but what if he was? I don’t want to lose him. I don’t know who I am if I don’t have Elliot in my life,” I admitted. “It’s always been me and Elliot, even before Eva. Elliot’s… I just need Elliot. I don’t know how to do my life without him. And I wanted… all the facts so that if I had to argue to keep him in my life… then I had the facts to help me.”
Even to myself, I sounded ridiculous. There was no good reason for Elliot to pull away, but my anxiety kept telling me differently. And my brain filled in the gaps, making it a smart decision to wait until I could present him with everything.
“Logan,” she began, and I already didn’t like where she was headed. I could hear it in her tone. “Is it possible that you’re in love with Elliot?”
“What?” I frowned. “No, I’m not… I mean, I love him, but I’m not… I’m not in love with him.”
“Are you trying to convince me or yourself?”
“I’m not in love with Elliot.”
“There’s nothing wrong with it if you are,” Amelia assured me. There absolutely was. What better way to bomb a friendship? And with my best friend? Who I’d known my whole life? “I think you should give yourself the space to think about that. I understand the feelings you have for him are complicated—anyone tied together as long as you two will have extensive feelings involved.”
“But it’s Elliot,” I told her stupidly. Across the parking lot, Loren stepped off the curb.
“You already care about him. Is it so hard to believe you could love him?”
“Yes,” I said. “No. No. I’m not… I’ll think about it.” Only because I knew that anxiety wouldn’t let me think about anything else until I had it figured out. I couldn’t be in love with Elliot. I’d know that fact by now.
“And how is datinggoing?”
“I’ve stopped with the app for now,” I said. “I’m still on it, but I’ve been spending time with someone, and it’s what I need right now. Simple and uncomplicated.”
“That’s good. I’m glad to hear that,” she replied.
“Are you going to tell me what I am yet?”
“No, but we can talk about it in a few weeks when I’m back,” she promised. “I have to go, but take care of yourself, Logan. And let yourself face the uncomfortable things. They suck, I get that. But being uncomfortable is vital to growth. It changes us in ways we don’t realize we need to change.”
Loren approached my car, and I rolled down the window. As I held up my hand to request one more minute, his fingers laced through mine.
“I will,” I told her. “Thank you for checking in on me. Good night.”
“Good night.” And with that, she hung up the phone. I sighed heavily, closing my eyes for just a minute. I couldn’t focus on any of her wrecking ball statements. Loren’s lips brushed over my knuckles.
“You’re looking a little stressed over there, baby,” Loren commented. “You good?”
“Note to the wise: don’t accept a call from your therapist before a date,” I muttered.
“Honestly, I probably could’ve told you that.” He chuckled. “You still want to go? If not, it’s okay.”
“God, yes.”
“I’ll double the cookie amount.”
“You know, at the rate you feed me cookies, I need to up my workout routine,” I said. I shut off the car. Instead of stepping back so I could get out, he leaned through the window and kissed me once. Short and sweet. Simple and uncomplicated like him.
“Date night calories don’t count,” Loren teased.
“When I’m eating my weight in cookies twice a week, they do,” I scoffed. As he let me out, I said, “Thank you for waiting. Sorry about that.”
“No sorries at all,” he assured me and took my hand. I let him lead the way across the parking lot and shoved aside every thought of Elliot that I had.
“Okay… okay… hold… no… no…yes!” Loren exclaimed, raising the wooden block in victory.
“How?” I demanded. I sat back in disbelief. “How the hell is it still standing?”
