Page 4 of Until Tomorrow
No, I didn’t want to imagine.Every time I did, they were horrible things that I couldn’t let go of. We’d been together our whole damn lives, and now, I was putting her through this? I deserved to be hated by her.
“So, let me get this straight… you go out with Elliot for his birthday, you two get drunk, you two almost kiss, and what? Your drunken thoughts told you that you wanted it?” she said. “That’s your grounds for divorce?”
“I was buzzed at best when it happened, Eva.”
“Are you sure?”
“Sober me still wants to kiss him,” I admitted shamefully. “And not just him, but other…”
“Men?” she finished for me. I nodded because it was easier than trying to form a thought. “Jesus Christ, Logan! What is this? Some almost midlife crisis?”
“Eva, please,” I whispered. “This is hard enough on me—”
“On you?” she exclaimed. Her voice broke as it rose higher. “This is hard on you? Are you serious right now? What about me? My husband has a drunken night out, and now you’re what? Gay?”
In a fit, she kicked off her heels and struggled to unzip her dress. I shoved my hands in my pockets to keep from helping. As soon as the dress was around her ankles, she swiped it up and threw it at me.
“Am I not enough?” Eva demanded as she gestured to her body. “Isthisnot enough for you?”
“That’s not what this is about, Eva,” I whispered, sighing.Fuck.She was enough—mind, body, and soul. I just… how could I make her understand? “It’s not about you, Eva. It’s me.”
“Stop saying that! There has to be more to it!”
“You’re looking for logic where there is none, honey.”
“You’re all about logic, Logan,” she snapped. “If it doesn’t make sense, you don’t do it! There has to be more.”
“There isn’t!” I exclaimed. “There isn’t more, Eva. I wish there was more. Fuck, how I wish any of this made any sense, but it doesn’t. I’m thirty-eight, for Christ’s sake!”
“Yes, you’re thirty-eight andmarried,” she reminded me. “You can’t just go off on a whim and screw a bunch of guys.”
“I haven’t done anything,” I told her. “Yet.”
“Yet?Yet?What the hell does that mean?”
“I can’t go my whole life not knowing. It wasn’t just one moment, it’s not just Elliot. It’s a constant stream of thoughts in my head that I can’t get rid of. Iwantto understand this, Eva, and the only way I can figure out how to do that is to… dive in the deep end.”
“To date men,” Eva corrected. “I’m not fragile, Logan. Just say what you mean. You want to divorce me so you can go out and date men.”
“Yes, I’d like to date men,” I said. I owed her that much. “I want… all that it entails. I want to figure myself out. I can’t go my whole life feeling this way and never find out. And I won’t cheat on you. I can’t do that to you.”
“And you think this is any better?” she retorted. I tracked her movements as she stormed off to the kitchen, ranting, “What happens wheneveryone finds out?Oh, she turned him gay.That’s what they’re going to say.”
I wanted to say they wouldn’t, but the vapidness of those in our social circles wasn’t lost on me.
“It’s not like you’ll leave your job, which means you aren’t leaving your social circles. So what? I lose everything? I have to completely start over? I have…” she faltered as she saw the six boxes of cereal on the counter. I said nothing while she picked one up and hugged it to her chest. Her voice was barely audible as she whispered, “You bought my cereal.”
“I did,” I replied. She glanced up at me, and the tears in her eyes damn near did me in.
“You’re really leaving me, aren’t you?” Tears slid faster down her cheeks. I swallowed hard, rooting myself in place. “Please, don’t go, Logan.”
“I have to,” I said. “I’ll be at our usual hotel for a few months. I don’t… I don’t know what I’m doing, Eva, but I can’t stay.”
“Please—”
“Sign the papers when you’re ready,” I interjected. If she kept pleading, I wasn’t sure that I could deny her.
“Do you still love me?” Eva asked softly.
