Page 16 of Until Tomorrow
I wasn’t in the mood for making friends with a complete stranger.
“Some people are horrible liars,” she replied softly. “You’re one of those people. I’m Amelia, and you are?”
“Eva. My name is Eva.”
“Well, it’s nice to meet you, Eva.” Her smile was warm and inviting as she leaned forward. “Would you like to talk about it? I’m a great listener.”
“Are you always so forward?” I countered.
“I think that we as a society are all responsible for one another,” Amelia said. “We’re so used to handling everything alone because that’s what the strong do, right? I think it takes more strength to lean on others than to handle everything alone.”
“I mean…”That was hard logic to argue with.“You don’t even know me.”
“Why does that matter?”
“I don’t…” I shook my head. I didn’t have a good answer for that.
“I’m happy to listen if you’d like to talk,” she reiterated once more. I chewed my lip as I considered her offer. Honestly, it was appealing. I had no one else I could talk to—no one that didn’t know Logan.
“They… the couple… they reminded me of my husband,” I told her, keeping my voice quiet. “A few weeks ago, he told me that he thinks… or feels like… he’s attracted to men. And he’s asked for a divorce.”
That was the first time I’d ever said any of those words out loud to someone who wasn’t Elliot and already aware.They hurt to say.I blinked back tears.
“I’m sorry,” Amelia whispered. “That’s a tough situation—for both of you. How soon after his admission did he ask for a divorce?”
“He asked for the divorce first,” I scoffed. “And only after I lost my temper did he tell me. I don’t think he planned to tell me at all. Not that I blame him. I didn’t handle it well. I accused him of having a midlife crisis, which I know how horrible that was. He can’t control it. It’s not something he just woke up and decided, you know? I just… we’ve been together our whole lives. Met at eleven, started dating at fifteen. That’s over twenty years together. How did I miss this? How… how did he not know before now?”
“Sexual orientation isn’t black and white,” she said and took a sip of her coffee. “The human experience is so unique to every person thatnothingcan be considered the standard of existence. Sexuality is a messy, wild, and beautiful thing. It changes as we grow, as we become more sure of ourselves. I know the societal norm is to figure all of these things out when we’re young, but that’s so far from the case. There’s no reason we can’t go through all those same discoveries when we’re older, when we’re more developed and settled into our lives. There’s no reason we can’t go through those discoveries a few times over.”
“You sound like you’ve thought a lot about this,” I commented. That was far too eloquent for a random coffee shop conversation.
“Ironically, this is my field of study. I’m a professor of psychology, but my focus is on human sexuality and relationship science.”Oh.“I find people fascinating, but I find the lack of resources available—especially in the queer community—to be frustrating. Education can go a long way.”
“It can,” I agreed. “So… do you think I did anything?”
“While I understand your lack of confidence in yourself as a result of the situation, he’s the only one responsible for his sexuality,” Amelia stated. “You changing in any way wouldn’t suddenly invite his interest in men. The heteronormative narrative in our society is strong and often undeniable. So many men and women convince themselves they’re straight simply because it’s a culturally reinforced concept at every turn. Contrary to popular belief, you can’t turn a person queer. It just doesn’t happen. The truth is, your husband has probably always been attracted to men. The capacity for his attraction was likely there, but not in a way he understood or was even aware of. Something sparked it—set off a chain reaction that ignited the awareness.”
I nodded knowingly.Elliot almost kissing him was Logan’s moment.
“The capacity for understanding sexuality has grown immensely, even in the last decade alone,” she continued. “We’ve come to understand so much about sexuality, attraction, gender… it’s amazing if you think about it.”
“It’s overwhelming,” I muttered.
“It is. And if you’re overwhelmed, imagine how he has to feel right now. Any journey of self-discovery is riddled with depression, confusion, anxiety, worry… the list goes on. The journey of discovering one’s sexuality when the concept can be received so poorly can be particularly stressful,” she told me. “Are you upset because he is attracted to men?”
“No.” I sighed and drummed my fingers on the table. “I know I didn’t handle it well, but I’ve never done well when I’m blindsided. I think… I’m more worried about him than anything else at this point. Sad and worried. He wants to explore this part of himself—date men and such. And I just… I just want to be there for him. I just… some part of me wishes my marriage didn’t have to end. I love him. I’ll always love him.”
I blinked rapidly to push back the tears. None of my makeup was waterproof. The last thing I wanted to be was a sobbing mess in a coffee shop while talking to a stranger. It wasn’t a good look.
“I have a lecture next week that you should come to.” She rummaged through her bag until she came out with a business card and another pen. As she scribbled on the back side, she said, “I host a free-to-the-public seminar once a month at the college. Usually, they’re a commodity with the college community, but anyone is welcome. I also teach classes, and we can just pretend that you’re observing the class, which you will be. I think you’ll find my next lesson to be quite educational. Maybe it can give you some direction.”
“Okay.” I took the card, but didn’t have a clue what I was agreeing to.
Chapter 12
Eva
“Youdidn’thavetodress up.” Amelia chuckled as I followed her down the long hall, my heels clicking loudly on the tile.
