Page 13 of Bonds of Magic
“What?” Noah said when he saw me staring. It was more a command to speak than a question.
“Your place,” I said. “I—it’s not what I was expecting.”
“It’s not huge,” he said. “But it’s more private than your room, on a corridor with other students. This isn’t the kind of dreaming you want someone else to burst in on.”
I could agree with that.
“Besides, if something goes wrong, it’ll be better for everyone else if you’re not around them.”
I wondered what he thought could go wrong. Professor Romero had never made the dreamworld sound dangerous. But I was beginning to realize there was more danger around me than I’d ever anticipated.
“It would be better for everyone if I’d never come to Vesperwood,” I muttered.
I couldn’t get that thought out of my mind. I never should have come here, and now that I had, I ought to leave. My friends weren’t going to listen about staying away from me. The dean wasn’t going to do the smart thing and kick me out. So it fell to me to do the right thing.
“You need to be here to be safe,” Noah said. It was automatic, like he wasn’t really listening to me. He certainly wasn’t looking at me. His eyes were fixed on the river stones that made up the chimney above the fireplace.
“At the expense of everyone else’s safety?” I countered.
“If you’d never come to Vesperwood, you’d probably be dead by now,” he said, still staring at the stones.
“Then let me be dead.” It should have felt strange, arguing for my own demise, but the feeling had been growing inside me all day. “It’s what I deserve, after all the pain I’ve brought people. All the death.”
Noah sighed, but his eyes remained fixed on the chimney. “Cory, you can’t blame yourself for what happened to Erika. You’re not—”
“Can’t I?” I demanded. Fury and sadness erupted inside me. “If that guy hadn’t come here looking for me, she would still be alive. If I’d been able to break through that compulsion on her, she would still be here. Who knows, maybe the moraghin were after me too. Maybe if I’d never come here, they wouldn’t have shown up, and then she wouldn’t have been attacked, and maybe she would have been strong enough to—
“Enough,” Noah barked. He finally turned to look at me, his eyes practically glowing. “Sitting around blaming yourself does nothing to help anyone. It’s self-indulgent and childish. What happened is not your fault, but if you’re determined to think it is, thenusethat feeling for something good. Turn your power into a weapon and use it to fight. But don’t sit there and wallow. I don’t have time for that, and neither do you.”
He was as angry as I’d ever seen him, chest heaving, hands balled into fists. His eyebrows drew down in sharp, straight lines that emphasized the angularity of his face.
“I’m not wallowing,” I shot back. “I’m trying to keep other people from getting hurt or, you know,dyingbecause of me. Doesn’t that count as fighting too? Why doesn’t that count as me gaining control?”
“Because it’s coming from guilt. Do you think I don’t get where you’re coming from, kid? I’ve been there. And I’m telling you, this isn’t the way to handle the shame you’re dealing with. It won’t help anyone.”
I scoffed and turned away from him. He could see how fun it was, talking to someone who wouldn’t look you in the eye. There was no way he could know what I was going through. He was trying to play the role of responsible, caring professor in the dean’s absence. He sucked at it, though.
“I’d think you’d be happy to hear I wanted to leave.” I glared at the afghan on his sofa. “I always got the impression you wanted me gone.”
“Cory, I—”
“But if I can’t leave, the dean should close the school or something. People aren’t safe here.”
“Maybe not. But you’re safer around other people.”
“That’s not fair.”
“The dean has his reasons. You’ll have to trust him. You’re important, and keeping you safe might be worth a few other risks.”
I whirled around to face him. “You can’t really mean that.”
“The dean does, and that’s what matters.”
“Then explain it to me.” My tone was more pleading than I wanted. “And don’t tell me I’m safer not knowing.”
“You’re safer not knowing.”
“I just said—”
