Page 44 of What Broke First
Matt’s smile faltered, but he nodded. “That’s fair.”
Dr. Colleen leaned in. “This is progress, honesty, reflection, accountability. But I want to touch on something deeper. Sarah, what’s holding you back from reconciliation? And Matt, how do you cope with that uncertainty?”
Sarah hesitated. “It’s not about punishment. I’m not trying to hurt him. I just... don’t trust that this version of Matt is permanent. I can’t afford to rebuild only to watch it fall apart again.”
Dr. Colleen tilted her head slightly. “How do you think it would fall apart again? What are you imagining when you say that?”
Sarah looked down at her lap. “The smallest thing, stress at work, a bad day, a misunderstanding, and I’m the one absorbing it again. I’m the one left patching the cracks. I can’t go back to constantly bracing for impact.”
Dr. Colleen nodded slowly. “Are you afraid he’ll cheat again?” The room went still.
Sarah’s voice was quieter now. “Yes. I think about it more than I want to admit. It’s not just the act itself, it’s the betrayal. The erasure of everything I thought we were. If I let him in again and he does it again... I don’t think I could come back from that.”
Matt’s hands balled into fists on his knees. His voice was low, but steady.
“I get it. I do. I broke something sacred. And I know trust doesn’t grow back overnight. But I need you to know something, Sarah. I hate who I was when I did that to you. I hate that I gave you a reason to look at me like I’m always going to be the guy who wrecked everything. I’ve spent a great deal of time since trying to become someone who never would.”
He paused, swallowing hard. “I can’t promise I won’t mess up. But I can promise it won’t be that. Not ever again. Not even close. I’ve already lived through losing you once. I wouldn’t survive doing that to you or to myself a second time.”
Sarah didn’t respond right away.
Matt added, more quietly, “But if you still think I’m capable of doing that again... then maybe I’ve already lost.”
Dr. Colleen stepped in gently. “Let’s pause. Matt, how does hearing that make you feel?”
Matt looked at the carpet, jaw tight. “Like I’m swimming toward something that keeps moving. Like maybe she’ll never stop punishing me.”
He didn’t say the rest out loud: Maybe I should stop. Maybe I’m setting myself up to be broken again.
Dr. Colleen watched him carefully, then turned to Sarah. “Sarah, can you acknowledge that Matt’s trying without committing to an outcome?”
Sarah’s expression softened just slightly. “Yes. I see it. I do. I just can’t rush it.”
Matt nodded, barely. It wasn’t what he wanted, but it was something. A flicker. A maybe.
Dr. Colleen glanced between them, then asked, “Sarah, are you still dating?”
Sarah hesitated, folding her hands tighter in her lap. “Yes.”
Dr. Colleen nodded. “And do you think it’s possible to be actively dating while still trying to work things out with Matt?”
Sarah opened her mouth, then closed it. Her voice, when it finally came, was quieter. “I don’t know. I guess... part of me thinks we won’t make it, that we’re too far gone. And the other part... doesn’t want to be alone forever if we don’t.”
Dr. Colleen absorbed that, then turned to Matt. “What about you? Are you dating?”
Matt shifted, eyes flicking to Sarah before landing on a spot just over Dr. Colleen’s shoulder. “Tyler and his girlfriend Jules have a friend. Marley. They asked if I’d go on a double date with them Saturday night. I said yes.”
Sarah blinked. Her posture stiffened. “You’re going on a date?”
Matt sat straighter. “Yeah. I wasn’t going to mention it, but yeah.”
Her tone sharpened. “Then what the hell am I doing here?”
Matt’s frustration flared. “I don’t know, Sarah. Why are you here? You’ve been on dates with James. With Carter. With Jordan. I’ve been here. In this room. In this work. In this version of myself, I built to try and be worthy again.”
The silence burned between them.
Then Sarah whispered, “I didn’t think you’d actually move on.”
