Page 121 of All Wrapped Up
‘Everything is all right between us, isn’t it?’ He then frowned deeper. ‘I know I haven’t seen you since before that night, but I messaged and I’ve been taking care of the horse and working flat out. I promise you though, Clemmie, had I known sooner about Callum, I would have—’
‘It’s not that,’ I cut in.
‘What then?’
I looked at him and then at the ground.
‘What?’ he said again.
I was scared to say the words, but went for it anyway.
‘I need to ask you something?’ I gulped.
‘Go on.’
‘Are you,’ I said, before I could chicken out, ‘in love with me?’
‘What?’ he laughed, but not in an amused way.
‘Are you in love with me?’ I asked again. ‘Yes or no.’
He squeezed his eyes shut. ‘Am I in love with you?’ he repeated, when he finally opened them again.
The question sounded ludicrous and if I could have taken the words back, I would have done.
‘Yes,’ he then said, before I had a chance to apologise for asking. ‘Yes, I’m in love with you, Clemmie. Of course I am.’
‘That’s exactly what I said,’ I started to blurt, then realised I’d misunderstood what he’d said and stopped. ‘Wait. What?’
‘I’ve been in love with you from the moment you walked into the café the day we met,’ he carried on, going for broke himself. ‘My world has been turned upside down because of you. My entire being, when we’re not together, is consumed by thoughts of you. I’ve developed a passion for the local birdlife because of you, I’ve joined Instagram. I’ve… I’ve done everything I can think of to be near you, knowing I love you, but can never beproperlynear you.’
Pixie started to whine and I picked her up.
‘Ash—’
He didn’t stop.
‘When we first met,’ he rushed on, ‘I knew you were single and wanted to be, but I clung to the hope that you’d fall for me anyway, right up until the moment… right up until the moment that you told me your heart belonged to someone else and, because they had died while you were still in love with them, it always would.’
‘Ash—’ I interrupted again.
‘Then, after the feast, I tried to stay away from you, but that hurt like hell and I realised that if I wasn’t careful, I’d lose you as a friend, too. And that would be worse, right? Friends might not be everything, but it’s definitely something. Being your friend is a million times better than not having you in my life at all. I can’t bear the thought of not having you in my life.’
A sudden and deafening silence followed this emotional outpouring. A part of me wanted to shout out that I felt exactly the same way, but the part of me that could still visualise the woman he’d shared a shower with and the other part that could still feel my wedding band, even though I no longer wore it, won out.
‘I have to go,’ Ash finally said as he crammed his hat back on his head and after enough time had passed for it to become apparent that I wasn’t going to respond.
His voice was strained and not surprisingly, he couldn’t meet my eye. He had just poured his heart out to me, confessed everything that Jason, of all people, had noticed and I had given him… nothing. If I was in his shoes, I wouldn’t have been able to get away fast enough, either, whether I’d already found solace in someone else or not.
‘I’m so sorry,’ he whispered and with that, he was gone.
It took me some time before I felt ready to leave too, but eventually I made my way back to the yard. There were quite a few vehicles parked up by then, but there was no one in sight and I guessed everyone had made their way to the start of the trail. I sent Amber a quick text apologising for ducking out and drove straight back to the cottage. I’d learn about fungi another day.
The closer I got, the more I hoped I’d find Ash’s truckparked on the side of the road with him waiting for me in it, but the drove was empty and for the first time that autumn, Rowan Cottage felt cold when I turned the key in the lock and walked in.
With the heating turned up and the fire roaring, I sat in my armchair with Pixie on my lap and both of us wrapped in my favourite fleece blanket. I had thought I wanted to know how Ash felt about me, but now that I did and it wasn’t the way I had expected, it was no comfort at all. I wasn’t sure if I would have felt differently had I not seen his guest at the barn, but what did it matter when my heart was still bound to another?
‘Callum,’ I said softly. ‘Can you help me now?’
