Page 79 of Four Weddings and a Funeral Director
Desdemona nodded, clapping her hands sternly. Veronica’s performance was not up to her directorial standards. ‘Again, withfeeling!Look into his eyes and imagine you want him to keel over right here.’
Veronica stared up Helmut, then blushed. She cleared her throat.
‘You’redeadto me!’ she said, voice breaking.
Helmut pretended to swoon.
Veronica covered her mouth, hiding a smile.
Desdemona raised a carefully painted eyebrow. ‘Amateurs,’ she muttered. Then, loudly, ‘Imagine the worst moment of your life. The darkest betrayal.’
Veronica fanned her hands in front of her face, then hopped from foot to foot as though she were getting ready to run up a flight of stairs with ‘Eye of the Tiger’ blasting in the background.
‘Now imagine that Helmut was behind that betrayal.’
‘Sorry,’ whispered Helmut.
Veronica scowled. She took a deep breath, then shoved Helmut. ‘You’re dead to me,’ she snarled.
Helmut regained his balance, then clapped slowly. ‘Wow. So good. And yet I live.’
Veronica looked hopefully at Lily, who pointed to the unbroken sky.
‘Still blue,’ she said sadly.
‘Still poodles,’ added Mort, pointing to the poodles outsidethe funeral home. Some clown who was definitely not Lily had strung pom-pom garlands around their necks.
Desdemona folded her arms, drumming her nails against her cobweb sleeves.
‘Any other suggestions?’
‘We could … try it in reverse?’ suggested Lily. ‘What’syou’re dead to mebackwards?’
‘Em ot daed er’uoy,’ said Helmut instantly.
‘Wow,’ marvelled Veronica. ‘You must kill it at parties.’
‘Oh, I don’t party. Or kill things.’
‘Sounds like a keeper,’ whispered Lily to Mort, who – wait – blushed? Lily winked, setting off an extra layer of redness in his angular cheeks. Lily sucked thoughtfully on her bottom lip, imagining a world where the wall between the Eternal Elegances, between their lives, disappeared, and the two of them spent the rest of their days tangled up in bed together.
Would Mort, with his fear of loss, ever allow it?
‘Take four,’ called Desdemona, with a clack of her clapperboard.
Lily blinked, yanked out of her imaginary world and back into the real one.
Veronica balled her fists and tried valiantly to repeat Helmet’s backwards-speak.
‘Em ot … daed er’uoy … ?’ she said, then burst into giggles.
‘Pretty good,’ he said.
‘What about …you’re alive to me?’ suggested Mort.
Veronica nodded, then waited for Desdemona’s clapperboard.
Helmut dropped to one knee, waving the matchbox. ‘Babe,’ he intoned in, for some reason, a southern accent, ‘let’s go to Vegas and let Elvis do this marriage thing.’
