Page 49 of Four Weddings and a Funeral Director
Typically, the most decadence that Lily’s teeth enjoyed was a bag of M&Ms scoffed while binge-watchingSuits. But she wasn’t one to say no to a treat.
Venus passed Lily a tiny gift bag filled with toothpaste tubes and mouthwash and floss. Lily felt like she’d just visited a celebrity dentist, but in a majestic turn of events, the dentist was paying her, which was a welcome change from how these things usually went. (Expensively. Painfully.)
‘So, how are we faring with the tent?’ Venus took a seat on one of the ghost chairs, which Lily had draped with a rainbow kantha quilt in preparation for this visit. (She’d shoved the more morbid results of the switcheroo into a nearby cupboard, and had run over to Mort’s to grab a few of the bouquets of dried wildflowers that been mysteriously delivered to his shop for reasons that the florist simply could not explain. She’d even managed to get the Mamas & the Papas playing through her sound system after a few false starts that had involved ‘Tears in Heaven’, ‘I Am Sailing’, and thenThe Exorcisttheme song.
‘The tent is …enormous,’ Lily assured Venus, who was inspecting a bonsai tree wedding favour. ‘I had a structural engineer come in to make sure it could sustain its own weight, especially once we have the Moroccan lanterns and mirrors added.’
‘Oh, it’s going to be so chill, so relaxed, sozen. Our very own Burning Man, but somewhere with more acceptable weather. And proper beds. And honouring me. And of course my love …’ Venus frowned, then twisted a lock of hair that had clearly come straight from a blow-out appointment. ‘Um, Desmond. Oops, blanked for a moment there, silly me.’
As one did when it came to a small detail like your fiancé’s name.
Venus pulled out a gilded planner. A literally gilded planner. Were those actual pieces of jewellery welded together?
‘Oh this old thing? It’s a family heirloom. When my grandmother passed she gave me all of her old rings, and I decided to give them new life. Now I carry them with me forever, just like she wanted. I mean, her will did saywear, but they were so dated. And besides, I didn’t want her to feel bad competing with this.’
Venus waved an iceberg in Lily’s face. Oh wait. ThatTitanic-sinking chunk of white was actually a diamond.
‘It’s blood-free,’ promised Venus. ‘Canadian. Now, let’s talk vendors. So, we were in talks with a renowned tie-dye artist from Seattle, someone huge in the textile mural scene, but they refuse to work with the colour blue. Something about it being unlucky in their life after an open-water boating incident. So we’ll need someone new. Someone unafraid of blue.’
Tie-dye artist, wrote Lily.
‘And I had a photographer lined up, but they did this franklymidVoguecover. You saw the one for March? The outdoor shoot with the breeze blocks and the Marilyn vibes? Too structured. Too inorganic by far. I need someone free-flowing, unfettered, someone capable of capturing the love of the moment.’
Photographer, wrote Lily.
‘But well connected,’ Venus went on. ‘Media placement is everything. This is more than a simple wedding, of course. Although we do want it to be simple – pastoral, even. It’s two empires coming together to form a dental hygiene superpower. But a flower power superpower.’
???wrote Lily.
‘And then there’s the food.’ Venus spun her planner around toreveal an extensive list of ingredients. ‘These are all the things my guests are avoiding, whether for allergies, ethical reasons, or just the vibe of it all. I had a raw vegan chef lined up, but he’s taking some personal time away after an unfortunate mango overdose.’
‘You can have too much of a good thing.’ Lily was now suddenly concerned about her own strawberry intake, which was substantial. (Who could resist the giant strawberries from Farmer Vikram’s stall, which was set up a few lanes over, and which happened to be part of Lily’s just-stretching-my-legs stroll that her smartwatch demanded she take multiple times a day. Between the strawberries, the honey and the dates, Lily had been feasting like an ancient queen.)
‘You truly can. Hence my ketamine detox.’
Right.
‘How about the vows?’ Lily decided that now was a good time to brew some tea. (Dierdre from The Hot Pot had come by earlier with a calming blend somewhat oddly called GABA-Gool, and it had been calling Lily’s name all morning.) ‘Are you feeling good about those?’
Venus’s phone buzzed. ‘Oh, it’s what’s-his-name. Desmond. Here, I’ll put him on speaker.’
Ah yes, what’s-his-name, perfect pet name for the person you were about to commit yourself to for life. Or at least for a while. She wondered Venus had a prenup, or whether Desmond did, or whether you needed a prenup when you were each as rich as each other.
‘Hello?’ Desmond’s voice crackled over the phone, stirring Lily out of her imaginary prenup showdown.
‘Babe, we’re doing wedding planning stuff.’ Venus scrubbed her hands with a lotion that Lily only recognised because Honour Nivola had sparked a giant media commotion by saying that her beauty routine was simple, really – she flew to Paris fora tub of this very affordable over-the-counter skin cream made by a local company. Ten euros! Bargain.
‘How are we feeling about vows?’ went on Venus, slathering herself in the scent of gay Paris. Lily could just about hear the dollar signs ringing out.
‘Vowels? I like “e”.’
‘No, vows.Vows. “I do” and all that.’ Venus was on to a fancy lip balm now, which from its tropical pattern was likely from Brazil.Soaffordable – just a quick jaunt to Rio away!
‘Right. Right. Um, whatever you think. I’m heading into a board meeting about that whole dental floss thing—’
‘Someone lost the top of their finger because they wound the dental floss too hard,’ explained Venus to Lily, smacking her lips. She held out the pot of – was it gold? Yes, probably – to Lily, who used all of her willpower to politely decline. Sure, she’d never know the gentle touch of Brazilian royalty, but she also wouldn’t have to worry about cold sores for now. (She’d learned this lesson the hard way, having shared a straw with a friend back in elementary school.)
‘That’s not the company line, babe.’
