Page 13 of Four Weddings and a Funeral Director
‘I appreciate the anthropological angle, but you should be ready and waiting to offer your services,’ said Mort, with a lighttouch at Lily’s lower back. Lily bit her lip as she tried to ignore the flicker of attraction that sparkled through her.
‘I hadn’t taken you for such a gossip.’ They strolled surreptitiously along the promenade, pretending to admire the purple and pink phlox that spilled over the size of the planters lining its edges. (All right, so the phloxwasworth admiring.)
‘Death is my sphere of interest.’ Mort’s dark eyes twinkled. ‘And that includes social death.’
‘Babe, over here.’ Nate grabbed his girlfriend’s hand, dragging her over to the wisteria-draped gazebo, shoving various selfie-snappers out of the way. (Lily felt for them – the spot was so picturesque that she’d already had to upgrade her cloud storage plan, and she’d barely lived here a full day.) Then he pulled her up the bright Spanish-tiled steps, until they were poised like the figurines atop a wedding cake.No, not like that, Lily. Think of a different simile, one that doesn’t lead to this poor girl getting engaged to this jerk.
The poor brunette looked more uncomfortable than Lily had after she’d licked the stamps and envelopes for a thousand save the dates to go out for a friend’s wedding last year. By the end she’d been hallucinating from eating far more adhesive than the FDA recommended.
‘My Veronica loves being the centre of attention,’ Nate assured a gang of teenagers in fluffy outfits sharing an enormous bottle of Fanta between them.
Veronica smiled hesitantly.
‘He’s doing it publicly, to coerce her into it,’ whispered Lily to Mort.
‘Bullying someone into loving you really doesn’t seem like the way to do it.’
Drawn like a seagull to a carton of French fries, a photographer emerged from between two planters. (Presumably he’d beensleeping there, because he had leaf refuse on his head.) Catching Nate’s eye, he screwed a disposable bulb into his old-school camera, then ducked his head beneath the tent that covered his tripod.
‘Whenever you’re ready, boss!’ he called, sounding exactly like a gangster out of a 1930s movie.
‘Almost,’ said Nate. He clapped his hands, and the husky tones of an accordion coloured the air. The player of said accordion strutted forward, a rose clenched between his teeth.
‘Oh wow, this is a whole pre-planned thing.’ Lily was aghast.
‘You can buy a proposal package at the Chamber of Commerce,’ said Mort, deadpan.
‘I’m … honestly not sure if you’re joking.’
Mort winked.
Lily flushed. Oh, but he was doing a number on her.
Fortunately there was plenty going on to give her an excuse to look away. As if the strains of an itinerant accordion player weren’t enough, the promenade was suddenly abuzz with the combination of flip-flops slapping and high heels clacking as a group of young people hurried up in excitement.
‘Hey, Nate-Nate!’ A girl with legs so long that surely there were stilts involved waggled manicured fingers at the stricken brunette. ‘Veronica! Over here!’
‘We’re all here!’ Two bros with baseball caps propped defiantly high on their heads – was there aRatatouillerat in there holding them on? – chugged beers as they waited for the moment. ‘We’re missing some sick surf for this, dude. She’d better say …ow.’
Stilts had grabbed a handful of the bro’s forearm hair and twisted.
Veronica narrowed her eyes. She was struggling to hold the flowers and chocolates that the slimy Nate had abruptly dumped in her arms from a roller-skating Grubhub delivery guy (rollerskates were a permissible form of wheeled transportation along the promenade). ‘Say what, exactly?’
‘Oh shit, she’s figured it out.’ Lily grabbed Mort’s arm in alarm … then dropped it, hoping he’d been too distracted by the scene before them to notice the impromptu groping. ‘Don’t do it, Veronica. Stay strong.’
Veronica had the stricken look of an armadillo pinioned in the high beams of a lifted truck. Lily half expected her to roll up into a ball and go bouncing off to safety.
Nate dropped to one knee, then bestowed a blazingly white grin upon the crowd. Whoops and cheers rose up from the surfers as Nate whipped a box out from his pocket. Alas, not a dad wallet.
‘Babe, I know we’ve had our … ups and downs. Like the micropayments situation on Roblox. And the other night at Misty’s, with the waitress. And with the whole Amber situation.’
Veronica frowned. ‘What Amber situation?’
‘The Amber situation indeed,’ whispered Lily, unfolding her arms just so that she could refold them emphatically.
‘Not relevant now.’ Nate waved Veronica off. ‘But, like, I want you, babe. I think we’re good together. You’re amazing at keeping on top of the bills. And no one cooks breakfast like you. And the way you massage my calves after leg day – a guy would kill for a girl like that. What I’m asking is … what do you say?’
He thrust the ring box at her. As Veronica reached tentatively towards it, he chomped it on her hand.
