Page 77 of Four Weddings and a Funeral Director
‘… I would carjack it and hide the body,’ Desdemona finished. ‘But I couldn’t do that to poor Ambrose. Our credit scores are linked now. And a felony is not ideal for a first-time homebuyer.’
Well, that had taken a turn.
‘Veronica, this is your mark.’ She pointed to an X that she’d marked out with gaffer tape.
Veronica obediently went to it, standing awkwardly as Desdemona walked around her in a slow, anticlockwise circle, sweeping the tiled floor of the pagoda with an ornamental broom whose handle was wrapped with trailing silky ribbons.
‘Are we quite sure that this is going to work?’ whispered Mort, with a tone that sounded almost like he didn’t want it to.
Lily, who felt similarly ambivalent, shrugged. ‘I went through a wiccan phase in seventh grade, but that’s about where my knowledge of magic ends. Ididget Nick Rosenburg to fall in love with me, though.’
‘Good for you. Did it last?’
Lily grinned. ‘A solid three days, which is pretty good by seventh grade standards. Turned out he didn’t like tacos, and I just couldn’t get past it.’
(Like mother, like daughter, apparently. Although a disdain for tacos was far worse than an affinity for mustard.)
‘Tacos? That is a dealbreaker.’
‘Any folded food, actually. Gave him the squicks.’
‘So no gyros, no falafels, no onigiri, no crepes? What about an omelette?’
‘A folded omelette could be hiding anything, Mort. Anyway, he’s married with three kids now, according to my mom, who keeps a close eye on the Facebook pages of everyone I’ve ever met.’
‘A whole family living in a taco-less world. Astonishing. There really is someone for everyone.’
The way he caught her eye when he said it made Lily flush the deep, deep pink of the coneflower bouquet she’d wrappedwith matching ribbon. She feigned a cough, hiding behind the florals. Had there been something behind that comment? But Mort was against marriage, or anything lasting, by the sound of it. Because in his eyes, nothing lasted, not really. Even the most promising unions ended up with at least one person being worm food. Or wedding confetti.
Desdemona stepped forward, wafting the black velvet of her skirt around her. She waved magnificent cobweb-painted nails as she introduced a tall, bespectacled man who had arrived while Lily and Mort had been dissecting Lily’s tweenaged love life.
‘This is my cousin Helmut,’ pronounced Desdemona. ‘He’s an aspiring actor – he had a supporting role in my short that made the Nicholl semi-finals. And received several other laurels as well, if you care to view my website. He’ll be playing Desmond today.’
Helmut bobbed his head in a shy greeting. With his side-combed hair and cautious attire, he had a shy Clark Kent vibe.
‘Hello,’ said Helmut, with a grin that sparked a similar grin in Veronica. He had a gentle German accent that explained those cheekbones, although not his tardiness.
‘Hi,’ whispered Veronica, twirling a lock of hair around a finger.
‘I’m sorry I’m late,’ said Helmut. He held up a reusable bag. ‘I was told it’s mandatory for any visitors to buy pastries at The Hot Pot. So I took a detour.’
‘Pretty sure Veronica just went weak at the knees,’ whispered Lily to Mort.
Mort raised an eyebrow. ‘I have a great physiotherapist, if she needs it.’
‘Bist … du zu … Besuch?’ stammered Veronica.
‘Very good! Yes, just visiting. For work,’ said Helmut. ‘I’m an engineer when I’m not acting. We have a factory in Munich.’
Veronica’s eyes widened. ‘Munich? Near the Sleeping Beauty castle?’
‘Ah. Schloss Neuschwanstein. Not too far.’
Veronica’s eyes were sparkling. ‘And what kind of engineer?’
Desdemona clapped her hands, the cobweb lace of her sleeves wafting. ‘Enough! You’re meant to loathe each other to the depths of hell and back, and the energy is all wrong. Your auras, they’re …’ Desdemona wrinkled her nose. ‘Lustful. Ground yourselves.’
‘I don’t even care if this works,’ whispered Lily. ‘This is amazing.’
