Page 100 of Four Weddings and a Funeral Director
‘We’ve kissed,’ she blurted instead. Kissing the messy-haired hot undertaker next door was information that seemed safe enough to volunteer.
Dierdre popped up at that moment, setting down Tessa’s enormous drink – it was served in a sundae glass – and Lily’s pot of tea (shaped like a mushroom with a chipmunk peering out of one side). Lily wasn’t sure if Dierdre had overheard her remark,although the faint smile on her red-painted lips suggested she had.
‘Look at you,’ said Tessa approvingly, sipping at her triple-vanilla iced latte cinnamon swirl something-or-other. ‘Maybe you can buy his and hers funeral plots. Together forever.’
Lily toyed with the mushroom cap lid of the teapot. ‘Maybe. I’m not sure Mort’s that kind of guy. The whole being surrounded by death thing shapes your attitude towards relationships in weird and woe-derful ways.’
‘I see what you did there. Well speaking of love …’
Tessa removed her gloves, then fluffed her hair – she had the kind of curls that Lily’s own hair aspired to, but lacked the follow-through to achieve – and retouched her lipstick. As she did, an enormous diamond flashed on her finger, almost blinding Lily.
‘Ow! You just performed Lasik on me with that thing!’ Dropping the teapot lid with a clatter, Lily grabbed her cousin’s hand, gazing with wide (if half blinded) eyes at the beautifully cut stone.
‘I thought you’d never notice,’ said Tessa. ‘I put it up on Facebook – I thought for sure my mom would’ve told you all about it. And I did drop a few hints through text.’
Lily butted her palm to her forehead, finally understanding Mom’s persistent questioning about checking her Facebook and Tessa’s cryptic emoji string from the other night. So her cousin hadn’t just had a case of the butt dials.
‘I’m so sorry,’ said Lily, feeling terrible for not responding. ‘I’ve been absolutely overrun managing the business. You wouldn’t believe how wild this industry is. I need danger pay.’
‘It’s fine. I wondered if maybe you were a bit wedding-shy, being the last one standing and all. But. With your career change and your five-star rating on Google – well, except for that really weird one about the ashes that I assume was meant for thefuneral home next door – I wanted to ask if you’d do me the honour of planning the wedding.’
Lily sipped at her tea, scalding her tongue. She waved her hand frantically in front of her mouth, pretending that her skin wasn’t sloughing off.
Tessa mistook Lily’s pain for enthusiasm, her eyes brightening. She pulled out her phone and pulled up a photo collage, pushing it into Lily’s hands. ‘Oh, I’m so glad! Here’s what I’m thinking. I wantsuperclassic. White dress, white veil, six-tiered wedding cake, doves, Enya, the whole lot. The opposite of my parents’ wedding, because looking back over those photos gives me the hives. They should’ve just put an embargo on any and all Nineties weddings. Except the music – I could get down to some Ace of Base. Anyway, nothing edgy, nothing trendy, justclassic. Like if Barbie got married, only without all the pink. I’ll pay your full fee, of course – I wouldn’t expect a hook-up type thing where you put in months of work and get a thank you on my Instagram or whatever.’
Lily swallowed. Between the very laissez-faire approach that Venus took to paying her bills (a problem given all the returns that Lily was fronting) and the money she’d been spending on ads, her bank account was gasping for air. She could seriously do with the commission. But Tessa was her cousin. They’d known each other their whole lives, and Lily knew for a fact that Tessa did not do surprises. If Lily planned her wedding and the cake collapsed into a maggoty mess or the dove release turned into a murder of crows, her cousin would never forgive her. Lily had worked so hard to overcome their tiff in ninth grade, when Lily, who at the time had decided she was an aspiring hairdresser, had helped Tessa bleach her hair using household bleach. It had taken a year for Tessa to forgive her (and to grow her hair back). She didn’t want to risk losing her cousin again.
‘Can I … think about it?’ she asked, her voice thick in her throat.
Tessa pulled her phone back, frowning. She was clearly hurt. ‘Sure, I suppose.’
She sipped from her drink.
‘Is it that you don’t like Adam? That you don’t think it’ll last?’
‘No, no, Adam’s great,’ said Lily. Where had that come from? ‘You two are meant to be together. I mean, you’ve been together since college.’
‘Yeah, we have.’ Tessa twirled her straw in her cup. ‘When you know, you know.’
Something was going on here, and Lily wasn’t quite sure what.
‘It’s not anything like that,’ said Lily. ‘It’s just that I don’t know if I can do your wedding justice. Everything I’ve been working on recently has been a bit … off kilter.’
‘I get it.’ Tessa nibbled primly at the coconut-creme cronut that Dierdre had dropped off at their table. ‘I’ve never been cool enough for you. Of course you don’t want my wedding in your portfolio.’
Lily wished she’d ordered a tequila instead of a tea. Everything she said was making things worse.
Then she took a deep breath. Against all her better judgement, she said, ‘I’d love to do it. Count me in.’
‘Really?’ Tessa squealed with joy.
‘Really,’ said Lily, desperately hoping that the switcheroo had a limited radius that wouldn’t extend to La Jolla, or that she and Mort would have figured out how to reverse the spell before the wedding date, or that Tessa would be uncharacteristically charitable should the event take a deathly turn.
Tessa’s phone alarm chimed. ‘Ugh, I’d better be getting back,’she said, pulling up Google Maps on her phone. Red squiggles filled its screen. ‘Traffic is already backing up.’
Then she frowned. ‘Is your lip okay, Lils? You’re looking a bit bee-stung.’
Right as Tessa said it, a tingling started up in Lily’s lip. Lily’s eyes widened.
