Page 45 of Zel
“You wanted a bride.”
“And a bride I received.”
“I’m aman.”
Ulrich scrunched his brow, seeming even more perplexed. “It is not always and certainly not only what lies between one’s legs that makes one a man or woman, Zel.”
“I don’t understand. You don’t care?”
“If you worry I have an aversion to cock, I can assure you I do not.”
“But—”
“Did you not notice in the scenes I showed you that some of my courtiers from the past were male?”
Were they?
“I also told you that my favorite love story is between two men.”
“The Bard and the Fairy Princeis about two men?” Zel had assumed the bard in the story was a woman. Fairy tale love stories were always between a man and a woman! “But you told my parents—”
“I told your parents that I would unite in marriage with their child should I find them worthy. I actually made no mention of wanting a bride. That was their assumption.”
Zel felt like his knees might fail him at any moment. “You really do not care what I am?”
“Oh, little cabbage…” Ulrich’s voice softened as he took Zel’s hands. “I care that you are you. What else matters?”
This felt too easy, just like Ulrich taking to calling Zel by his preferred name after one and only one correction. “But… you still knew what was under my skirts. How?” He snatched his hands back, leaning as much away from Ulrich as he could with the chaise behind him. “Youwerewatching me.”
“I assure you I was not. I simply knew. I assumed this was how you see yourself, not a lie you sold me like pretending to not be an assassin. Just as names are powerful in this world, Zel, so too is self-perception, and one’s own truth is the only perception of self that matters.”
Zel’s head was spinning. “I don’t know what to say.” Somehow, he was crying, tears streaming down his cheeks unbidden that until now he had managed to keep at bay.
Ulrich swept Zel into his arms and sat them on the chaise. Zel collapsed against him, sobbing without any sign that he would stop any time soon. He had never been able to discuss the truth of himself openly. Even with his parents it had been dangerous to do so for fear of being discovered. Zel was to pretend, and so he had.
But it hadn’t always felt like pretending.
“Here, we are sobering, but we should be clearer headed for this.” Ulrich pressed his left hand to Zel’s forehead. “It can be a bit jarring, but you will feel better.”
Whatever Ulrich did next, it felt sharp and made Zel flinch at first, but then the inebriation that had been lingering was gone. Ulrich pressed the hand to his own forehead and must have done the same for himself.
Being less fuzzy in thought, Zel was able to calm his tears.
“Forgive me for losing my composure.” He took a breath and wiped his face. Ulrich kept him close, and it felt nice being nestled against him. “My parents assumed you would expect your bride to be a woman, so they raised me to be one. But I have also honestly felt like one at times, not because I’ve had to pretend. I’m… neither? Both? I don’t know. I’ve never been able to truly think on it.”
“Because of me,” Ulrich said softly.
“No.” Zel turned in Ulrich’s hold and looked up into his starlit eyes and all the ways he sparkled in the dark. “I don’t think of it like that. They wronged you. You asked for recompense. We chose to deceive you instead of paying our dues honestly. Most marriages are contracts. As magically lucky as I may have been over the years, I never thought myself so fortunate as to find what my parents have.”
Ulrich’s head bent a little closer to Zel’s at the admission. “I still have my secrets, Zel.”
“Would that I could learn them all. In time I would like to. Starting with how you could ever want me knowing my true intentions all along.”
“You were a very charming would-be assassin.”
Zel laughed. “Please know that my heart's desires are greater than my duty. With all my secrets laid bare, I would start over and ask something of you, if you’ll permit me.”
“Ask, and we shall see.”
