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“Why did you run?”Kate asked.
“I just panicked.It was stupid.”
“It was more than stupid,” Kate said.“It was a felony.”
“I know.Look – I was kinda… wired.”
“Cocaine will do that to you,” Kate said.
“My wife’s brother wants to give me a pounding.There’s a coupla guys I owe money to.I was already on high alert.I just saw a threat and ran from it.”
“Suppose you’re telling the truth.What’s going on?”
“What do you mean?”he asked, as Marcus returned to the room.
“You’re in rehab.It sounds like you’re putting your life back together.Suddenly, you snap.You end up back in Douglas Cove, where everyone knows you, where you have a high chance of bumping into one of the many people who are angry with you.And that’s where you decide to go on the bender to end all benders?Why here?”
“I wanted to see my sponsor.Stasiu.In AA, you’re assigned a-”
Kate interrupted.“I understand about sponsorship.But why then?Why the dramatic flight from the hospital on Monday?”
“I had a fright.My heart doing all these crazy things.I really thought my time was up.I thought that would be typical of my rotten shitty luck.I get clean, properly clean, and then my heart gives out.I wanted to see Stas.He’s the only person who really gets me.”
Kate tried to mask a sigh.As much as she sympathized with anyone’s mental struggles, there was a part of her that found addicts hard to hear.They dramatized and romanticized their problems like teenagers did.No one understands me… She reached for her notebook.“Stas…?”
“Stasiu Pavlek.Technically he’s not my sponsor anymore, but we keep in touch.He let me stay a couple nights because his wife was away.”
“You realize we’re going to check that with Mr.…” She glanced back at her notes.“Mr.Pavlek.”
“He’ll tell you I was a clean and sober houseguest.”
She looked him in the eye.“You’re not clean now.Or sober.”
Sullivan put his elbows on his knees, his head in his hands.More drama.Meanwhile, Marcus left the room again.
“I was fine until I saw the news this morning.Honestly.That was what set me off.”
“You mean the news regarding the death of your former teammate, Father Thomas?You’re telling me you didn’t hear about that, or discuss it with your friend Stasiu, or see a newspaper headline before this morning?”
“We were talking about other things.We were talking about why I’d left The Sanctuary.Why that keeps happening.I get sober, I get clean, I get better.Then I sabotage it.It wasn’t until I was on my own this morning that I found out what had happened.”
“So you quit the program, but you stayed on the wagon until this morning.”
The man didn’t respond.Kate realized there was a small tear in the corner of his left eye.
“One bit of bad news, Ray, and you decide to throw in the towel.”
“I don’t expect you to understand.And anyway.You don’tdecideto do anything.Not when you’re an addict.It’s like being chained to a lunatic.”
“I don’t buy that,” Kate said.“Maybe you make bad choices.But there’s a reason.A trigger.What triggered you back in the hospital?Why did you run away instead of going back to The Sanctuary?”
“I just got so tired of it.So tired of it.Working the program.Discussing your thoughts and feelings.Raking over the wreckage, being so, so careful that everything you do and think and say is in line with what they say in the big blue book… It’s exhausting, you know?And sometimes you think, you know what?Screw it.Hedoesn’t have to live every moment in recovery.That girl over there,shedoesn’t have to do a lifelong penance.She just has a drink when she wants one.I can’t expect you to understand, Agent Valentine.But sometimes you just think, screw it.”
Kate understood far more than the man thought, but she said nothing.Meanwhile, Marcus returned to the room.
“Mr.Pavlek manages the local branch of First Union and serves as a volunteer firefighter,” he said.“Confirms that you spent Monday and Tuesday nights on his sofa.Says you arrived at his home at tea-time on Monday, and sat up talking until the small hours.”
He and Kate exchanged a look.Whatever offenses Sullivan had committed, he could not have been directly responsible for the priest’s murder.
