Page 67 of Hidden Vows
Ava releases a massive sigh, her entire body deflating. “Oh, thank goodness. When you first told us about the alleged affair, I hated him on principle, but he just kept worming his way back.” A soft chuckle escapes my lips. “Seriously, that man is obsessed with you and you deserve to have someone obsessed with you. You’re fucking amazing.” She springs forward, pulling me in for a quick hug before she practically skips away.
“I feel sorry for anyone who doesn’t have an Ava in their life,” Emily murmurs quietly at my side as Ava joins the guys by thegrill.
“She’s definitely a force of nature.” Quinn laughs.
“Honestly, I feel lucky to have all of you in my life,” I tell them.
It’s crazy to think how much my life has changed over the last year. I never thought I’d have friends like them—I wasn’t open to that possibility—but here they are, and I wouldn’t change that for anything.
thirty
ABBEY
“I’m not sayingI’m not grateful that you’re doing this, but are you allowed to do this? You’re a general surgeon,” I ask as Emily shuts the door to the exam room.
“Sure, any doctor can pull a swab and run some tests. Now, if you needed medical care to treat a specific ailment, I would absolutely send you to the right specialist. But I’m literally just grabbing some spit and sending it to a lab.” Emily laughs as she gestures to the chair for me to sit and pulls her own stool over, taking a seat in front of me. “You didn’t really say why you needed to see a doctor when you asked for a recommendation on a new gynecologist. Everything all right?”
“Oh, yeah. My last gynecologist moved recently and I haven’t gotten a new one. And, you know, safe sex is the best sex.” It’s an uncomfortable laugh that breaks through as I cover my face with my hands. “I can’t believe I just said that.”
Honestly, I’m so glad Emily is doing this for me. I called three doctors trying to schedule an annual visit and was told they couldn’t fit me in for another month before I finally cracked and called Emily to see if she could recommend anyone.
It’s been two weeks since Jude and I had sex without a condom, and while I’m not worried about pregnancy or disease—I’m on birth control and have never been with someone without a condom—it’s always better to be sure.
Jude has been so understanding, but—even though it doesn’t make sense—I have all this guilt around the need for this appointment. I had every right to move on from Jude. Our marriage was over. He left town. And yet…knowing thatJudenever moved on gets my stomach in a twist.
The sooner I get these results, the sooner I can stop letting this affect me, because it’s just me. Jude has been nothing but understanding and supportive. Minus his reaction to finding out I’d been with someone else—which was a really shitty way to find out—he hasn’t said anything about my sexual history. And I think that might be feeding the guilt.
Emily’s laugh pulls me back to the present, and I have to remind myself what she asked. “Jude and I were a little too into the moment to pay attention to using a condom the first time, and while he’s obviously good to go, I haven’t been tested since my last time with Chuck.”
“Gotcha.” Emily doesn’t even bat an eye as she stands from her seat and starts pulling out supplies. “I think we’ll go with a blood test instead of a cheek swab. No reason other than it’s quicker and will give you peace of mind sooner.” She rushes to say when she sees my look of concern.
“Oh. How quickly will the results be ready?”
“For most tests it’ll be a couple days, but some will take about a week.”
I nod absentmindedly as she wheels the tray over with everything she’ll need to draw my blood. All of a sudden nerves hit me and I don’t know why. I have no reason to believe anythingbad will come back in these results. I feel confident in thinking Chuck wasn’t only sleeping with me, and while we always used condoms I know they can fail.
Emily doesn’t push me to talk more. She goes through the motions and draws a couple vials of blood before placing a Band-Aid on my arm and asking me if I want to join her for lunch. I know she’s doing it because she can clearly see my thoughts spiraling, but I appreciate the distraction all the same.
And I let my lunch with Emily become a distraction. It’s been a while since I’ve had the chance to spend one on one time with her, and I’m glad for the opportunity. Emily has a calming presence that’s hard to ignore. Somehow her calmness always seeps into me and I walk away feeling more at peace than when we first started hanging out.
“I’ve been callingyou every day for over a week,” I bite into the phone, letting my anger pour out more than I want. I take a breath before I continue. If I let my anger get in the way, I’ll never have the conversation I both need and want to have with my father. “I know our last conversation wasn’t great, but you’ve never blatantly ignored me.” I soften my tone, truly trying to understand.
“I’ve been busy. Things at work have been hectic.” There’s a rushing sound in the background, like he’s outside and the wind is whipping past, and I know it means he’s calling me on his way somewhere else.
This call is something he quickly penciled in between things he’s deemed more important. It’s not new to me, but that doesn’t make it any less disappointing.
“Dad.” I sigh. I’m exasperated, and I have no doubt he hearsit. The sound of rushing air stops and I’m not sure if he’s stepped into a building or if he’s simply stopped moving. No matter, we’re both silent, and I can’t stop the next words that come out of my mouth. “Has there ever been a time where you wanted me as a daughter?”
I’m not sure where the words come from, but once they’re out, I realize I’ve never felt truly wanted by him. Besides my mother, it’s like family as a whole was an obligation, or some item to check on a list of things to prove one’s success.
I know he loves me, but you can love someone and not appreciate them. You can love someone and not want them.
“Abbey, what kind of question is that? You’re my daughter,” he huffs.
“That’s not actually an answer,” I whisper. I feel my nose burning, but I refuse to let the tears free. I have so much to love about my life, so many people in my corner, I won’t let my father bring me down—not today.
“Abbey, I don’t have time for this.” He sighs and I can imagine him pinching the bridge of his nose in annoyance. “What is it you wanted to discuss?” And suddenly he’s all business again. “Is it something about the bookstore? I told you I wouldn’t transfer the money until I saw the itemized list from your contractor.”
