Page 72 of Hidden Vows
“You never missed a pill?” Emily steps closer to me, her tone soft. There’s no judgment, just support. When I don’t answer, she pushes gently. “There’s been a lot going on in your life—problems with your dad, the bookstore, learning the truth about Jude. It’d be understandable if you missed a day or two.”
“No, I haven’t missed a pill,” I answer emphatically. “I was late taking a few, but I never missed one entirely.”
“Well, unfortunately, no form of birth control is completely effective. It’s rare, but even people who take the pill exactly like they’re supposed to can still end up pregnant.” She reaches for me, grasping my hand tight in hers. “You’re a special one, Abbey Selbey.”
I can’t be pregnant.Jude and I are only just starting to get our shit together. We’re just starting to get used to each other again.
So much about the last two weeks has felt easy and carefree, but there’s still so much to work through. I know we’re both consciously trying to move forward. Neither of us wants to forget the past, but we also can’t keep it in our back pocket, ready to throw it at the other person in a moment of anger. That’s not what a relationship should be. If I want a real future with him, I have to let go of the past.
My eyes dart to Emily’s and I feel the panic rising. My heart feels like it’s beating out of its chest. “I can’t be pregnant,” I whisper.
“Do you not want kids?”
“No, I do.” I shake my head, trying to clear my head, but I can’t and every random thought comes pouring out. “Jude absolutelydeserves to be a dad. He’d be an amazing dad. I mean, look at his own father. But we’re just starting again. I know it seems like we’re picking up where we left off, but it’s work. I forgive him for what happened, but I still struggle with trusting him.”
“Babe, no one would blame you for feeling a little uncertain. You lived almost half your life thinking the man cheated on you. It’ll take time to fully recover from that.”
Tears fill my eyes, and I have no way to put into words what I’m thinking or feeling. On one hand, I’m so incredibly nervous. Not just for what it means for mine and Jude’s relationship, but also for how he’ll react to the news. On the other hand, I couldn’t be happier.
I’m thirty-five years old. I know they don’t call it a geriatric pregnancy anymore, but that doesn’t negate the risks. I’d come to accept children wouldn’t be in my future. To be pregnant now, and by the man I’ve never stopped loving…that seems too good to be true.
“Abbey, I know it’s not what you would’ve planned for yourself, and maybe this looks nothing like you imagined, but it’s okay to be happy about it.” Her smile is soft and reassuring. “Two things can be true at once. You can be both scared and thrilled about this news.”
I nod, unable to form words with the lump in my throat, but I know Emily understands. She wraps her arms around me in a tight embrace, not letting me go until I loosen my arms from around her.
“You’ll keep this to yourself, right?” I pull away and wipe at my cheeks, my eyes meeting hers.
“Of course. Until you make the announcement, I know absolutely nothing.”
“Thank you,” I whisper, a small smile playing across my lips. “I promise I won’t make you wait long. I just need to figure out how to tell Jude.”
“Don’t stress about me keeping this quiet. That’s the absolute last thing you need to worry about. Technically, you’re my patient. Telling anyone else would break HIPAA, and I’d never do that.”
I pull Emily into a hug once more before we say our goodbyes and she leaves for her shift at the hospital, leaving me to contemplate what my next move is going to be.
How the hell do I tell Jude?
“Mo ghrá,”Jude’s voice reaches me in the small office in the kitchen, and I take a deep breath before meeting him in the store.
I’ve thought about nothing else except the news Emily dropped on me this morning, and no matter how much I want this, I just don’t think Jude and I are ready for it.
Maybe that’s not fair.
I’mnot ready for how this could change us.
After hours spent googling anything and everything I could think to ask, I’ve learned I know absolutely nothing about being pregnant, giving birth, or taking care of a baby. I mean, I know exactly what day we conceived this baby, and yet, I’m somehow five weeks pregnant already. How is that even possible when it was only two weeks ago Jude and I had sex for the first time in seventeen years?
If Emily had decided to do that cheek swab instead of the blood test, I wouldn’t even know. Even if I thought pregnancy was a possibility, and I bought a home pregnancy test, it’s entirely possible that test would be negative right now. And don’t even get me started on everything that happens to a woman’s body whenshe’s pregnant.
I know having a child is something I want, but I figured I’d have time to prepare for everything. Getting pregnant was going to be a planned thing where I’d have all this time to figure out everything that entails. I know I still have nine months to figure out the taking care of a baby and what happens during birth, but the pregnancy side? I’m all out of time.
“Hey, love. I know it’s Ashford Falls, but if you want to keep this place a secret until opening day, you should probably lock the door, especially when you’re in the back.” Jude smiles, placing a hand on my hip and a kiss to my temple as he steps past me, toward the still swinging door. “Something smells amazing! You working on recipes instead of unpacking today?” he teases, tossing a wink over his shoulder.
I force a laugh, trying desperately to keep my racing thoughts to myself and follow after him. “Yeah. But technically, I had to unpack and organize most of the kitchen before I could start baking. So it’s not like I’ve only been baking.”
“I’m not complaining. I’ve missed a lot of things over the last seventeen years, and your sweets are definitely high on the list.” His attention is drawn to the mess in the kitchen.
While the boxes are dismantled and piled in the corner, ready to be taken out to the dumpster, ingredients and bowls litter the counter tops. And I know he’s wondering how I have so little to show for supposedly spending the entire day in the kitchen, when the only finished treat is the lemon bars Ava told me had to be on the menu for opening day.
