Page 55 of Hidden Vows
“I might’ve started realizing the truth of everything, and I know you won’t agree with me, but I wasn’t good for you.” I open my mouth to interrupt, but he doesn’t let me. “I wasn’t good for anyone, and I needed to figure out my own shit—forgive myself—before I could ask anyone else to stand by my side.”
“But you’re only here now because of your dad. If he didn’t have a heart attack, you’d still be in Harborview.”
The grip on my hand tightens for a moment before he speaks. “I don’t know if I ever would’ve come back in any other circumstance.”
I tear my hand from his, turning away. I’m not shocked by the answer, but I still hate it.
“Abbey,” Jude says gently. I hear him move closer, his heat hitting my back as he rests his forehead against the back of my head. “I know I had a really shitty reaction earlier outside your apartment, but I always expected and wanted you to move on. I never wanted you to be alone, but I couldn’t watch you move on with someone else. I couldn’t stand the idea of watching you build the life we always planned without me.”
“I never moved on from you,” I whisper. Somehow it’s easier to admit that without looking at him, but something makes me turn around. “I may have tried, but it never worked. You’re a part of me, and I don’t think I ever really wanted it any other way.”
“When I got back and saw you sitting in that hospital room, all I could think about was how much time I’d wasted. I knew the moment I saw you that the only way I was leaving again was if you told me to.”
We’re already close, but I step even further into his space, only inches separate us now. “And if I told you I never wanted to go another day without seeing you?”
“I’d be outside your door every morning to make sure you’d never have to.” He doesn’t touch me, but I can tell he wants to.
“This doesn’t magically fix everything between us.” I reach for his left hand, running my index finger and thumb against his ring finger where I know that little A sits.
“I know,” he murmurs, his eyes searching mine.
I let my fingers travel up his arm, trailing behind his neck to pull his head down to mine. “But I don’t want to talk anymore tonight,” I whisper, right before my lips meet his.
There’s still a lot for us to talk about and figure out, but I’ve never stopped loving Jude Murphy, and clearly he never stopped loving me.
Right now, that’s enough.
—
February 28, 2025
Do you know how much I love you?
I don’t know how you possibly could, but I hope with everything I am, you know how much I love you.
I hate that for the last sixteen years, I’ve had to call you my ex-wife, but I think I might’ve finally learned that lesson I wrote about so long ago.
I don’t know who you are anymore. My actions cost me that privilege, and while I regret them because they hurt you, I can’t help but wonder if we might be better people because of them.
I have to believe you’re still the strong, amazing, beautiful soul I met almost thirty years ago. I know I hurt you, but I hope I didn’t change you at your core.
I wish I could say I got to watch you grow through all the hardships I know you’ve faced, but I also know you came out stronger because of them.
Today might mark sixteen years since our marriage was dissolved in the eyes of the law, but in my heart, I’ve been married to you since the day we met when I was six. I didn’tknow it then, but you have always been the one for me.
I thought about coming home so many times over the last sixteen years, but the day our marriage ended was the hardest one to deny myself. I had to fly halfway around the world just to make sure I wouldn’t show up at your door, begging you to forgive me.
It was the first birthday I missed since we met, and I gave you the worst possible birthday gift. Or maybe, in your eyes, it was the best possible gift I could’ve given you.
Part of me still thinks if I could take it all back and do it again, I would, but who would we be? Would we still have grown the same way we did over the last sixteen years?
The one thing I know for sure is how much I love you, Abbey. That has always stayed the same and never wavered.
You are the love of my life, and you always will be.
twenty-five
JUDE
