Page 54 of Hidden Vows
His eyes fall to my feet and he brushes an agitated hand through his hair. I don’t know if I’m right, but the energy pouring off him has me nervous.
“He didn’t threaten me directly,” he murmurs before bringing his eyes back to mine. “He threatened to take your mom away to DC and make sure you never saw her again, and he threatened to take Murphy’s away from Dad. To make his life so miserable here he’d have no choice but to leave Ashford Falls.”
I freeze at his words. I knew my father hated Walt and Jude, I just didn’t realize his hate went to such lengths. I never would’ve thought my father would use my mother against me like that. Taking her away and ensuring I never saw her again wouldn’t have only hurt me, it would’ve destroyed her. And that’s something I never expected from my father. He loved her more than life.
“Why didn’t you tell me back then?” I whisper.
I feel the tears building in the back of my eyes, the pressure in my nose stinging, but I can’t figure out if it’s from the thought of my father being that cruel or if it’s because Jude wasn’t honest with me about any of it.
“Because you were already losing your mom, and I didn’t want you to lose your dad too.” His hands twitch as if he wants to reach for me, but he doesn’t. “I didn’t want to make you choose because I knew you’d choose me.”
“That should have been my choice.” A tear escapes and I brush it away fiercely, anger starting to wash over me.
I should have been allowed to decide what I wanted to do with my life—with our life. It wasn’t his place to make this massive decision without giving me all the facts.
“I know that now,” he whispers. “But I was nineteen and thought I knew best.” He takes a few steps closer to me, but he shoves his hands in his pockets, forcing himself to keep them off me. “I believed your dad when he told me all I’d do was bring you down in life, that I was holding you back from everything you wanted.”
“What did I want that I couldn’t do with you by my side? You knew me better than anyone else. You knew all my wants and dreams, and they were all right here, in this town, with you.”
His eyes bore into mine and I see the tears pull in the corners. “I know, and I second guessed everything,” he chokes. He swallows the lump and lets his head fall forward for a moment before lifting his eyes back to mine. The tears are still there, but there’s a strength in them that was missing before. “It’s not an excuse. I know every decision I made back then was the wrong one. I didn’t believe in us the way I should have. I didn’t trust my own heart or mind when I should have.”
“It’s not just that you didn’t trust yourself, it’s that you decided what was best for us without any input from me. No matter what, it’s never okay to do someone’s thinking for them.”
“I know.” It’s said so softly I almost miss it.
We stand there staring at each other, both of us lost in our own thoughts.
I wish I can say I’m not angry about it, that I understand it, but I can’t. Rationally, I can recognize that at nineteen he was still a kid, learning who he was and how he fit into the world, but emotionally? My heart can’t move on from that fact that he’d known me for thirteen years, he’d seen me through every stage of my life and never once did I have big dreams that would take me away from him or this town.
How could he believe anything my father spouted?
But then again, Jude was always insecure around others. The only people Jude ever found real peace with could be counted on one hand. He was a master of blending in with the crowd, of making himself small and invisible. Though he was never truly the bad boy people whispered about, he believed he was, and that belief became so deeply rooted in him it destroyed everything.
“Is he why you’ve never come back?” I know the threat of losing his father is what brought him back to town, but it would’ve been entirely possible for him to fly under the radar while he’s here. He didn’t have to take care of the bar, or move into the apartment across the hall. He could’ve hid out at his dad’s house on the outskirts of town and visited Walt at the hospital with nobody being the wiser.
“Yes and no. His threat kept me away at first, but…” His words trail off and I can see the question to share more in his eyes.
“Jude, you can’t hold back from me. I don’t know how we heal from this if you do.”
“I know.” He swallows, shaking his head. “It’s not that I don’t want to tell you, I just hate hurting you.”
“I’m not saying this to be mean, but you can’t hurt me any more than you already have. And I think, at this point, it’ll hurt me more if you keep something from me.”
He nods his head, his eyes moving to the shelves in the corner of my living room. I’m not sure what he’s looking for, but his focus stays there for a moment before he finally looks at me again. “I came home for your mom’s funeral.”
“What?” I step toward him, not letting him finish. “I never saw you.”
“I didn’t want you to.” This time when he reaches for me, he doesn’t stop himself from stroking my cheek. It’s a quick, light touch—one I don’t want to end. “I was just starting to think I madea mistake leaving like I did. But seeing you with your dad, leaning on him…” His hand falls from my face as his words trail off, pain etched across all of his features.
“Who else was I supposed to lean on?” I whisper. It’s another comment I know will hurt, even though that’s the last thing I want. I may be upset learning the truth, but I still love this man in front of me, and hurting him hurts me.
“Of course, you should’ve been leaning on him.” Jude reaches for my hand, gripping it tight. “Even if things had been different and I’d stayed, I never would’ve asked you to avoid him. No matter what, Grace loved both of you and was loved by both of you. You two would’ve needed each other that day regardless of anything else.”
“Jude.” My voice wobbles, tears forming in my eyes.
“I ended up back in Minnesota after the funeral,” he practically blurts, continuing as if I hadn’t said anything. “I needed the feeling of home, and Willie and Mae were the closest thing outside of you and my dad. They didn’t know the whole story, but they knew enough.” A wry laugh escapes his lips. “They almost convinced me to come back, but it’d been over two years and I didn’t believe you could ever forgive me, even if I told you the truth.”
“So you stayed away.” I don’t need to ask; I already know the answer. I’ve lived it for the last seventeen years.
