Page 42 of Hidden Vows
I’m glad we decided to have a ladies’ night in at Emily and Caleb’s house—something we’ve started doing more often since Emily had Fiona—but right now, I wish their focus was on someone else. I’m still so confused about what’s happening between Jude and me. My heart and brain aren’t on the same page, and it’s more than frustrating.
How can my heart be open enough for Jude to sneak back in? When he left, it broke me. It’s melodramatic, but there were days I didn’t know how I’d survive them. Losing Jude wasn’t just losing my husband and a man I loved; he was my best friend—my everything.
Maybe that was too much pressure, and maybe that’s what led to our downfall.
“You know exactly what’s going on,” Ava says. “That man is trying to make you fall in love with him again.”
“Hold up. Someone has to fill me. I feel like I’m missing something.” Emily moves around the kitchen island, joining us in the living room and passing me the bottle she made for Fiona.
“You know what? I don’t think I know the full story either, and I lived in this town,” Quinn says.
“Well, be prepared. She’s not going to give anyone the full story. I already asked.” I swear I see Ava pout as she sinks back into the couch.
“There’s not muchtotell.” My eyes stay trained on Fiona as she drinks her bottle, her little hand wrapped around my finger.
“Oh, now we all know that’s not true. Anyone watching you at the party could see there’s serious history between the two of you.” Emily scoffs.
“Fine. Jude was the love of my life, and he broke my heart,” I say in exasperation.
“Well, that’s a start, but it’s more than that.” Ava’s voice ismuch softer this time. “Abbey, if you don’t want to talk about it, we’ll respect that, but you don’t have to keep anything bottled up if you don’t want to. We’re family, and family is there for one another—no matter what.”
“Ava’s right. And believe me, we all understand the drive to keep things to ourselves.” Quinn laughs softly, but I know she’s speaking from experience. For three years, she held onto a secret that led her to abuse drugs and alcohol and living in fear that she was exactly like the mother who abandoned her.
“I don’t think I’ve ever realized how true that is. What is it that drives us to hide from the people who care about us most?” Emily asks, her eyes falling to Fiona. “I’m sure it has something to do with fear of being judged or letting someone down, but if we really support one another, then there’s no judgment or disappointment.” Emily leans over, stroking a hand over her daughter’s head. “I hope this little girl never feels like she can’t come to me about something.”
“Jude and I met when I was five and he was six,” I blurt, my eyes lifting to meet Emily’s. “We grew up together. We fell in love with each other and got married.”
“Wait, you got married? How did I not know that?” Quinn interrupts.
“Well, you were, what? Ten years old? I doubt that was something you paid attention to.”
“Sure, but this town loves to gossip, and the question of what happened between you and Jude was popular. How did no one ever talk about you two being married?”
“We didn’t tell anyone we were doing it, and then we only told Walt and my mom afterward.”
We never planned to make a big announcement about our marriage, but we never intended to keep it a secret either. Wefigured with the gossip mill in Ashford Falls, people would find out in a matter of weeks. I still don’t know how no one ever figured it out.
“You didn’t tell your dad?” Emily asks.
“No.” Fiona’s grip on my hand loosens and when I look down I see she’s fallen asleep. I put the bottle on the table next to me and settle into my seat to tell the story. “My dad never liked the idea of Jude and I together. It’s why we got married in secret.”
“I still don’t understand,” Quinn whispers.
“Honestly, I don’t understand either. I don’t know what my dad held against Jude. I know there was a history between Walt and my mom, but she always said they were only ever friends. Like Jude and me, the two of them grew up together.”
“You think Walt and your mom ever dated?” Ava asks.
“I guess it’s possible, but I don’t think my mom would’ve lied to me about it. She loved that Jude and I were so close. She was the one who made sure we stayed in each other’s lives after we first met—even if she and my dad fought about it.”
My mom and I had so many conversations about why Dad didn’t like Jude, and while I know she never told me the whole truth, she was adamant there wasn’t more to her and Walt.
I remember asking her once why she wouldn’t answer my questions directly, and she said she never wanted to influence my relationship with my dad. She wanted my relationship with him to be about the two of us and nothing else. Like outside influences might make me think differently.
She wouldn’t have been wrong. With Dad working in DC most of the time, our relationship was never the strongest, and it was easy for me to become upset with him because of that absence. The more I think about it, the more I can’t help but wonder what kind of man that makes my father—if my mother felt she couldn’tspeak candidly about him.
Two people in love should have kind things to say about the other person. There should be some kind of emotion attached, but I can’t recall my mother ever talking about more than facts about my father. It was always where he grew up, what he studied in school, what he did for a living, or who his family was.
She talked openly about when they met and how they fell in love, but she never spoke about anything that happened from the moment they found out she was pregnant with me. The love they had for each other was still evident whenever they were together, not because of the way they couldn’t stand to be away from each other or always needed to be touching, but simply from the way they looked at each other.
