Page 113 of Any Second Now
I’m doing the unthinkable.
“What do you mean, us?” Some of the color drains from his face.
For a second I wonder if me thinking there is anuswas too presumptuous, but then his face gets even whiter.
No, he wasn’t going to break up with me.
This horrific job belongs to me.
“Whatever has been happening between us this summer, it needs to be over now. I need to go back to Connecticut. Soon. And I need to make a clean break.” I swallow and it’s all I can do to not choke.
“Raleigh.” He clenches his fists and shoves his hands in his pockets, like he’s trying to hold himself back.
“I thought I was over my divorce. I thought I was past my ex-husband. Ex-husbands. I’m overthem, but I’m not over what happened. And I don’t think I can fully get over it while I’m with you.”
I pause, but Atticus doesn’t respond. Should I turn and walkaway? But I can’t bring myself to do that. Perhaps I should explain?—
“I saw you last night.”
His words are a hockey stick to my gut, even though I’ve never felt that particular pain. It’s what I imagine it’d feel like. Awful.
“Last night?” I whisper.
He nods.
Last night when I was out with Jacob. During the time I told Atticus I was going to be home doing cross-stitch and talking to my mom and my friends.
That was the stupidest lie I’ve ever told.
“I sent him away,” I say in a shaky voice. “He’s gone now.”
A laughing couple walks past us on the sidewalk, and I glance their way, hands linked together, striding away with their aura of happiness. The fact that we’re in public is forcing me to try to hold it together.
Atticus doesn’t respond.
“I’ve been sending him money every single month since our divorce was final.” I look back at Atticus. His eyes are filled with sadness, the color a washed-out sage instead of the deep forest green I’m used to.
“For what?” His face pinches.
“To help him. Because I felt guilty for taking everything in the divorce.” I rub the back of my neck. “We email and text all the time. I’ve been enabling him for the past six months.”
Atticus presses his lips together and crosses his arms. He takes half a step back toward his building. I don’t think he even realizes he did it.
Stepped away from me.
Yes, this is what I need to do. Show him what a fucking mess I am so he doesn’t even want me anymore. Ruin it.
“Do you still love him?” Atticus asks through clenched teeth, his voice low and dangerous.
“No, I don’t. But I’m done enabling. He’s gotta figure out shit all on his own from now on.”
I’m talking so much about Jacob. I don’t want to be talking about my ex with Atticus. I hate it.
But I think this is what I need to do.
Show Atticus exactly who I am.
I can see in his face he’s confused. He’s not sure if he should be trying to convince me to stay or letting me go.
