Page 139 of Any Second Now
She crosses her arms and I brace myself for whatever she has to say. Because I can handle it. Raleigh’s broken through the protective layers on my heart, ones that’ve been there for decades. Probably since I was a kid and realized I didn’twantto be like my father, but that I was destined to be.
To that kid I say:no you’re not. You’re not going to be like your father. You’re going to be better than him.
“All my life I’ve followed a plan. I needed to be perfect. After my dad left, my mother fell apart. I was babysitting and mowing lawns in middle school to help pay the bills while she put herself back together.” Raleigh has a far-away expression on her face.
I hadn’t heard that part of her story and my heart swells at the vision of thirteen-year-old Raleigh mowing a lawn for grocery money. I knew there was a tough time in her childhood with her single mom, but that things eventually settled down in their household.
“She didn’t have her shit together at all when I was little. And the way she struggled after my father left? It was awful to witness. For years. Eventually, she went back to school and got a great job, and is kicking absolute ass. You’d never know what her past was like, seeing her now.” Raleigh looks sideways toward the lake. “I swore I’d never struggle like that. And she agreed.”
“That’s a lot of pressure on a kid,” I say softly, and Raleigh turns back to me and nods, her dark eyes on mine.
“So I spent all my time studying. Planning my future. When I was fourteen years old, Mom and I made a spreadsheet of all the possible careers I could pursue, including average starting salaries,education needed, and colleges that were the best value for money. We chose pharmacy as my career, and then did the same assessment for PharmD schools. We picked one, and I followed that plan perfectly from high school through to securing my pharmacist job.”
It makes so much more sense now why she studied so much harder than the rest of us in college. How driven she was. It came from what she went through as a kid.
Which, same.
“But then it went to shit.” Raleigh looks back at me. “I married the wrong guy, and I couldn’t understand what I’d done wrong. Then I married another wrong guy.” Her voice cracks a little at the end.
“That must’ve all been so hard, Raleigh.” I don’t know what she’s gone through, but I want to wrap her in my arms to show I care about every bit of it.
Raleigh nods.
“I’ve gone on such a journey since my second divorce.” She reaches her hands for mine again, and my body sighs at the contact, gently stroking her soft fingers with my thumb. “And that journey started with you in December.”
I swallow and the world fades around us. It’s just me and her, standing in front of the Pink Palace at the campsite in Fort Collins, Colorado. We’re the only ones in the state. The country. In the world.
Me and Raleigh.
“New Year’s Eve.” She nods. “There was so much unspoken between us. At least on my side.” Raleigh lets out a low chuckle. “I’ve thought about that kiss every single day. And maybe it gave me the courage to realize I wanted to go do things for myself. I never had time to travel or for hobbies. I was always working or studying or investing myself in those who weren’t right for me. I want to be more than a blank canvas for other people to tell their story on. That’s what’s been happening my whole life.” She bitesher bottom lip. “Even my mother painted her story on me. The story she’d wished she’d lived from the start, not waited until she was forced to.”
“Raleigh.” I want to pull her into my arms and show her how special she is. I want to tell her I’d never try to brush my colors on her canvas. “You are not a blank canvas. You are already the most beautiful painting in the world.”
Her eyes widen and lift.
“Thank you. I want to figure out who I really am.”
I nod in support, but this sounds like she’s going to go travel the world. Did those stupid memoirs work too well?
“But I know one thing.” Raleigh steps closer and slips her hands out of mine, placing them on my chest. I reach forward and grab her waist.
“What do you know, coach?” I say in a husky voice.
One side of her mouth quirks up.
“I know that I love you.” She pauses and the world spins around us. “I’m in love with you too, Atticus.”
Could she really? Did I hear her right? I need her to say more. I want to hear everything. I move my hands to the small of her back and tug her closer until our bodies are touching. I’m not letting her get away. Not this time.
“I don’t know when I realized it. Wait—yes I do.” She laughs. “It was not long after I broke up with you. I’m so sorry about that.” Her face breaks.
“It’s okay.” I pull her closer to me until our hips press together. “But I’d really like you to tell me you love me again.”
“I love you, Atticus. I love everything about you. I love you because you’re smart and loyal and funny and damn, you make me laugh. You love zombies and got me to go out on the water. You learned to do cross-stitch for me. You’ve never judged me and my weird choices. And you are so thoughtful.” She looks pointedly at the coop holding Megghen, then over at the hammock. “Do you know what I’ve been doing all morning?”
I shake my head, unable to form words.
“I’ve been looking things up online. Kayaking. Cross-stitch groups. Apartments to rent.”
