Page 2 of One Hundred Lights
I caused that divorce. First, showing up at Reese’s doorstep. When that went badly, I headed to the airport to intercept Adrian. He’d looked delighted to see me at first, if not confused. I can still feel his arms wrapping around my waist after he dropped his bags. Letting me come closer than was appropriate. When I told him I needed space, that Reese was my best friend... his face changed. More confusion.
Then something else.
I didn’t see reciprocated feelings, that was for sure. But I didn’t want that. I was trying to avoid it by pushing them away. I should have just silently kept my feelings to myself, done what my parents did—locked them in a safe and forgot the code. The one fight I heard my parents have when I was a teenager—a whispered argument I eavesdropped on through our shared bedroom wall—was about my father cheating. My world shook—the floor felt like jelly beneath my knees. My father, so boring and unemotional, had had an affair? But they barely talked about it. Mom asked him if it had ended. He said yes. That was it.
I don’t want to live like that. I don’t want to be a home wrecker, either. I’d been on the receiving end of that kind of behavior before.
My ex-husband continued to work late hours in New York City long after we moved to the Jersey suburbs, and he spent those late nights and midnight takeouts with his coworker.
He should have seen it coming and stopped it. Only he didn’t.
She fell for him, and then they started sleeping together.
And then he fell for her.
After our divorce, I swore I’d always be open and honest with myself and those around me. Even knowing all that, I’d screwed up and lost both my best friends at once.
And now I’ve successfully avoided Adrian and Reese for six months. Neither of them seems to mind. The empty pit of loneliness inside me contracts, longing for a ray of hope in Laura’s text message.
Me
What’d he say?
Laura
Like last week, he asked if I’d seen you. This time, he asked how you are. If you ever work out anymore. It’s the most he’s ever said to me. And possibly the most awkward conversation I’ve had in my life
I swallow and close my eyes. Adrian was anything but awkward with me.
Me
What’d you tell him?
Laura
That you’re doing just fine. What’d you want me to say?
Me
Nothing
Laura
Want me to go punch him in the nuts? Or maybe let my hand linger on his body while I ‘spot’ him? I can pretend to be you from seven months ago. You two were always touching each other
Me
Were we?
Laura
Hello? Yes. Married or not, it was constant.
Oh, no. The inappropriate feelings? My fault. The divorce? Also, my fault. Confirmed.
When I reconnected with Adrian, my older brother’s childhood friend, six years ago, I had no idea he and his wife would become our closest friends in town. It was innocent.
There was that one kiss Adrian and I shared after I graduated high school so long ago, before he got together with Reese. My brother had a party one night when my parents were away, and I ended up in a dark corner with Adrian, who had had a few drinks and was incredibly flirty. But my brother freaked out when he found out, and Adrian never crossed that line again, no matter how much I wanted him to.
