Page 123 of Since We're Here
Still, terrifying.
I’m relieved to get across onto solid ground, and Oliver waves me to walk slowly on with him instead of waiting for the women.
“So...” Oliver says the word like a sentence.
“So what?” I focus on the rocks beneath my feet.
“Tell me what’s happening with Maddie. For real. Because I’ve had a chance to observe you over the past five days, and I have opinions.”
We walk side by side up the meandering path. I roll my neck and stare out into the Atlantic Ocean, where on a clear day you can see Scottish islands in the distance. Today is not that day.
“What do you mean?” I say, to buy myself time. How many details does he know? How much did Maddie tell her sisters?
“You said you and Maddie had a thing, but I was under the assumption it was actually over.”
“It is.”
Oliver looks over at me and cocks his head. “I get it, I really do.”
“Get what?” The wind whips around us and I’m dreading the inevitable trek back across the rope bridge.
“The absolute fucking denial you’re in.”
“Oh, feck off. I’m not in denial.” But my insides twist and my protest is weak.
“Remember when I called you after Reese had left Scotland to go back to America?”
“Yeah, I do.”
“How you called my bullshit and told me I’m obviously in love with her?”
“Mmm. I’m not sure it went down quite like that.”
“Aye, it did.”
Should I just tell him? Say it out loud, even though I swore to myself I wouldn’t?
It might feel good to get it off my chest. Maybe if I speak the words, then I can somehow move on, even though I’d rather hide behind the thick stony walls surrounding my heart.
But hiding’s getting really fecking old.
Two summers ago when we talked, it was so obvious to me what was happening with him and Reese. I knew it from thetexts he wrote me and the way he talked about her. He was in love but hadn’t accepted it yet.
This is different. I know I’m in love with Maddie.
I feel it in every bit of my being. In the sharp wind that whips around my ears, the ocean spray flying up from the jagged shoreline, the angry gray clouds. They’re all reminding me, pushing me, furious at me for screwing everything up.
“I’m not in denial. I’m in love with her.”
Oliver screeches to a halt.
“Shite, I didna ken you were in that deep.”
I stop next to him.
“But, you just?—”
He laughs. “I was testing you. I’m not nearly as perceptive as you are.” Oliver glances behind us and I have a terrible feeling Maddie’s right there.
