Page 120 of Since We're Here
Maddie gasps softly. “No, really?”
“Which explains so much.” I move my hand, running my thumb over her sharp ankle bone. Her eyes dart down. She blinks, color rushing into her cheeks, then pulls her leg off me and sits up straight.
“Sorry. You okay? What are you thinking?” Probably that I crossed a line touching her like that. That she doesn’t need to be my sounding board anymore. I don’t have the right to any of that.
She moves her head back and forth and looks away, reaching for her pint.
I’ve lost the privilege of asking what’s going on in her gorgeous head.
I should’ve told her I loved her when I had the chance. Instead, I was an arsehole. Saoirse’s words echo in my head—tell her how you feel—but I won’t do that. It’d just screw with her more. It might break her. I’ve already broken us, how could I break her, too?
I could’ve spent the last few weeks being with Maddie. Instead, I self-destructed. Regret hits me like a bus.
I’m in love with her.
But it’s too late.
32
MADDIE
Monday, April 21
Boyfriend Disaster #10: Blue the Holiday Fling
Job Location & Length: Saint Lucia, 1 month
My Age: 33
I met Blue on the beach. I think why I clung so hard to the idea of him is because of how he made me feel that first night on the island. With the background soundtrack of crashing waves, salty sea air, and soft white sand under our toes, Blue looked into my eyes and really listened to me talk.
But we were just acting out parts in a holiday fling.
Now I see it for what it was. It should’ve ended when I left. But at the time, I really thought it was more.
My mistake.
Breakup Reason: delusion (mine)
My Distress Level: 10, not because I loved him so much, but because of how clearly the ending highlighted my relationship failures
Lesson Learned: I need to make some serious changes in my life.
We spent two nights in Dublin, stopping at the Guinness Brewery and walking around the city center for touristy stuff like visiting the Book of Kells in the stately old Trinity College Library. We also visited the Hungry Tree, Patrick’s suggestion of that tree in Dublin that is slowly consuming a bench. My sisters giggled for hours when I handed out the printed itinerary titled Quirks, Tats, Brews, and Views with the ten quirky stops sprinkled throughout the trip.
I managed to avoid being one-on-one with Patrick again for the rest of the Dublin stay. That first night at the pub was too much. Him touching my leg, us talking about Cara and New Dingle and clearing the air about the inventory drama. There’s no point. He doesn’t want to be with me. We have no future. It hurt too much.
Then we picked up the rental car. Since there are six of us, we needed two vehicles: Patrick’s plus a rental.
I nearly ended up in his car alone with him.
Reese and Oliver were in the rental already, and when Ethan turned toward Patrick, my traitorous sister grabbed his hand and tried to pull him to Oliver’s. I was faster. I darted over to the rental car and gave her a victorious look.
But then I realized Patrick saw the whole thing, and the look on his face showed he understood what I just did.
I’m such an asshole.
This morning, after an afternoon and gentle evening in Belfast, which included visiting the giant fish statue—thanks, Ian—we’re going through some of the sights in NorthernIreland. Noreen’s suggestion for visiting the Madman’s Window, those window-shaped rocks looking out to the sea, was eerie and cool.
