Page 96 of Since We're Here
“I’m not sure I can handle that, love.” I’m morbidly curious, but my heart couldn’t stand to hear it.
Maddie lets out a short, humorless laugh. “I get it.”
She’s leaving anyway, but the idea that she might do it even if she didn’t have to preemptively hurts me.
Maddie stomped out of O’Brien’s the other night. Sure, I told her to go, but she fled. She came back, though. That’s something, right?
Loving this woman is dangerous.
“You’re sure you want to go back to work tomorrow?”
She nods and looks up at me, her eyes close to my own.
“Of course. I’m completely fine. I’ll take it easy, I promise.”
I’m too chicken to ask if she’s moving back to the flat, but I know she is. This was only while she recovered.
Besides, I didn’t invite her to stay.
She doesn’t actually live in Ireland.
She doesn’t live here, with me, in my cottage, in Dingle.
She’s notwith meat all. Not really.
Maddie might be feeling better, but I’m far from recovered. I’m out of control. I love her. So why doesn’t it feel good? I feel like I’m drowning, I can’t get a full breath, my heart’s alwaysracing, like that panic attack I had at the hospital after she got hurt.
Maddie’s breathing softly and her eyes are shut. I pull the fleece blanket over our legs and pause the movie.
Soon, she’ll leave me. No matter what spell we’re under right now, it’ll break, and she’ll realize who I really am.
Maybe I’m a good brother, uncle, son, but I’m no one’s boyfriend.
It’ll end, whether it’s because she gets on a plane or leaves me before then.
One way or another, I should prepare myself for it.
25
MADDIE
Tuesday, March 25
Boyfriend Disaster #7: Cody the Fuckboy
Job Location & Length: Chipotle, 1 month
My Age: 26
I spent one singular month working at Chipotle. It was miserable. Maybe I hooked up with Cody—the hot twenty-three-year-old cashier who was obviously a total player—on purpose, to intentionally give myself an out. Anyway. Good riddance.
Breakup Reason: all the reasons
My Distress Level: -1 billion
Lesson Learned: Hooking up with the resident fuckboy will definitely not make you feel better, at least not for more than a minute.
My sisters’ video call pops up on my screen again. This past weekend I made the mistake of telling them about my bike accident, and they freaked out. They’re still freaking out, even though I’ve been trying to convince them for days I’m okay.
