Page 59 of Since We're Here
There’s a dark worm of negativity squirming in my gut. I see it. I feel it. But it’s not regret. It’s something else more dangerous.
I told her I liked her.
She might not have even heard it. But I said it. Worse, it feels like a lot more than liking her, and that’s where the peril lies.
When we’re together, there’s something about the unrelenting way Maddie is simplywithme.
Cara broke me, even though I know it’s my fault, that I’m the one who did it by shutting her out and not communicating well and always saying the wrong damn thing, until she had enough and sought what she needed elsewhere. The hope thatI’d be able to have the kind of marriage that my parents do—the commitment, resilience, everlasting love—disintegrated.
When Cara showed up last night, Maddie knew what I needed. She saw me going down that dark path. She came after me with a flamethrower to melt my icy walls. Those warm lips brought me back. And later, as I talked to other people at the pub, I could feel her, an electric wire connecting us even when we weren’t looking at each other. That’s why I drank so much, let myself go a little.
The way Maddie has slipped through to me is confusing.
It can’t happen though. She’s leaving. She’s my best friend’s fiancée’s little sister. I’d mess it up anyway.
I feel naked. Vulnerable. Like now that Maddie’s gotten through, I won’t be able to push her out again, not until I ruin it, which is inevitable.
Turtle approaches and nudges my hand. I reach in my pocket for the cup of oats, pouring them into my palm and letting his rough, warm sheep lips scoop up the treat.
I scratch underneath his jaw, and he watches me and chews. Last year, I ended up with two sheep as pets, instead of a dog or a cat like a normal person. I’d gone with Saoirse and the girls to a farm visit, and when they heard that some of the sheep would be going to slaughter (who tells kids that? I left a terrible review for that place), those girls looked at me and absolutely begged. Saoirse laughed, thinking there was no way I’d agree, but I nodded and asked the farmer if I could buy a pair of sheep off him.
So here we are. My backyard is a sheep pasture. I have pet sheep.
Twenty minutes later, I’m showered and on my way out the door to meet Sean and Cormac.
I’m still in my driveway when I get a text.
Cormac
Almost here?
Me
Be there in ten. All okay?
Cormac
Sean says you were supposed to heat the water yesterday?
Oh, feck. That was what I forgot to do yesterday afternoon.
Me
On my way
I’d planned to go to the brewery to do paperwork and turn on the heater in preparation for today, but instead I did some work at home, distracted by the new plan to see Maddie at O’Brien’s. How could I forget to do that one task? Damn. That means today can’t be a brew day.
A few minutes later, I walk into the brewing room and face Sean, who’s standing with his arms crossed and jaw clenched.
“Morning.” I try to sound casual and confident, but we all know what happened.
They both stare at me, Cormac with wide eyes, Sean with his lips pressed in a thin line.
“I thought you were supposed to turn on the heating systems yesterday?” Sean throws his hands in the air. “We did all the other prep on Friday.”
“I know. It slipped my mind.” This is my fault, I realize, but I hate how aggressive Sean is toward me.
“How could it possibly slip your mind?” Sean glares at me with narrowed eyes.
