Page 80 of Unless It's You
“Yes,” I say when I get a breath. “I definitely want to do that again.” But Gemma’s words echo in my head. Have I not been letting Ethan close to me, like I’ve done with all the men I’ve dated since Hunter? I thought I was getting better at that. I made progress last night, telling Ben how I felt about us, that he shouldn’t give up on his dream of marriage and kids.
“So, what’s the problem? Ben?”
I nod, focusing on Gemma again. “Ben. But not for me. For Ethan. He’s, like, fiercely, stupidly loyal to that guy.”
“You found the one man who is so committed to a friend that he’d say no to shagging you?”
I groan, but she’s totally right. I messed it up with the right one. The one who listens to me. The one who actually sees me. But I didn’t let him close enough.
“You have it bad, Stella.”
“I do.” I can’t stand the idea that I can never be with Ethan, just because I dated his best friend. Ethan. He’s the one I should have stuck with. He’s the one who really sees me. Who cares. Who, with hardly a hesitation, wanted to help me with the bucket list.To do it better, the right way, the way Evelyn wanted me to. He acts like he actually knew her, or wanted to, anyway.
I fucking love that guy.
Wait, what?
“Shit!” I sit up straight and lukewarm coffee splashes onto my hand and Gemma’s bare foot.
“Hey!” She pulls away from me but laughs. “What’s going on in your pretty little brain right now, bestie?”
“I should have chosen him to begin with,” I whisper. “Back when I first met them.”
“Yeah, probably.” Gemma runs her hand through her chin-length hair.
“But someone told me to choose Ben. Remember that,bestie?” I point a finger at Gemma. “It’s all your fault.”
“Oh, fuck off.” She whacks my finger down and laughs. “Ethan was legit getting together with that girl from back home. And Ben was perfect for you on paper. How was I supposed to know you would prefer Mr. Damaged, Bearded, Dark, and Extremely Hot?” She cocks her head. “Actually, he sounds like everyone would prefer him.”
Oh, god, I’m in love with Ethan Fraser.
“Is it hopeless, then?” I whisper and look at Gemma. “Because I might be really into him.”
“Like, love him?”
I nod.
“You absolute sap. Pull it together.” She kicks me in the thigh and pulls her feet under her body. “You say I’ve not been letting Cercei close. But have you told Ethan how much you like him? That you love him?” She draws out the word love.
“What? No. I literally figured that out thirty seconds ago.” I thought I’d been letting him in. I was wrong.
“You got to tell him how you feel.” She makes acarry onmotion with her free hand. “For real. Not just some stupid text.Go and tell him you love him. Make it good. Romantic. Try hard. Try harder than you think you need to. And that way...”
“...if I fail, I’ll at least have done all I could?” But I’m just not sure I can do it. If what I’ve done so far is not enough, and there’s a whole other layer that I need to peel off myself and let him see, I don’t know if I’m capable.
“Good. Now go do it.”
I squirm on the couch, picturing confessing my love to Ethan. Pricks of sweat stab my armpits.
“Well, I’m not going to do it, like, now.”
Gemma rolls her eyes. “Whatever. Do it soon. You saw his face last night. He’s got one and a half feet out the door. He thinks he’s got them both out, but he really doesn’t. Cause I think he kinda likes you, too.”
But not enough. There’s no way it’s enough. His loyalty to Ben is eternal.
“Maybe you could open yourself up to Cercei as well.”
“Hush right now, girl.” Gemma throws the blanket at me.
