Page 33 of Unless It's You
Grief ferments in the pit of my stomach. I lived across an ocean from Evelyn for the past seven years, but we talked at least once a week, and I saw her twice a year when I traveled back to New Jersey. I talked to her about my job, complained about Tessa and Chloe, shared with her why I was breaking up with Ben. We discussed how my student loans were still weighing on me. That I wasn’t quite sure what I should be doing with the rest of my life, even though I was thirty-four and should have that sorted by now. Evelyn was the one I could really open up to, with never a bit of judgment. I love my sisters, but Evelyn understood me protecting myself from people I dated. Ithoughtshe was the same way.
But it turns out, she regretted it.
The pain in the center of my chest throbs and then fades. I give it a minute. I let myself feel the grief. It’s there because I loved her so much, and the pulsing of it makes me feel her absence so intensely. Lets me mourn her. Love her, even in death.
I’ve got to try harder on this bucket list. But I simply can’t finish all the items in the time I have. I know that. I’m away for a few days next week on a shoot for a different client, and by the time I get back, the twenty-eight-day clock will be halfway done. The fourth week of Evelyn’s timeline is when we’re trying to schedule the Sporting UK Foundation shoot, and that leaves just one week in the middle, and I have another shoot for a third client.
I’m going to struggle to evencheatmy way through the list. Maybe if I can make a few of the items better, that will be enough. Enough to satisfy Richard, enough to ease the guilt in my soul, enough to make Ethan not think I’m a terrible person.
The first bucket list item isVolunteer. I look up from my phone as an exhausted-looking young mother walks by with a stroller covered in a thin blanket. Her eyes are bleary, and she might as well be sleepwalking. I look around the park, searching for inspiration in the rose bushes.
There must be some other way I can volunteer that would work.
A pair of women in their late teens or early twenties jog past me, and I catch a snippet of conversation about their upcoming university semester. Oh. OH. It hits me in the face just like that. I’m mentoring Izzy, and told her I’d help her with the scholarship competition application. That must be better than the Sporting UK Foundation campaign, since I’m not getting paid for mentoring. I hear Ethan’s voice in my head reminding me that producing that commercial is my literal job, regardless of whether Pepper Me Marketing is waving agency fees.
I pull out my phone to text my mentee.
Me
Hey Izzy! How’s that scholarship application going?
Izzy
So good! I was just gonna text you. Can you look at the Google Doc? I have some great ideas!
Me
Sure, I’ll get back to you ASAP
I feel better for a split second, but when I tap back to the bucket list, number two practically shouts itself at me:Adopt an Animal.
I mean, this one is done, right? I adopted a polar bear and got a picture of myself with my new pet. I even have an adoption certificate. I can’t let myself feel guilty about this. I live in central London. I can’t get a pet. No way.
For number three,Adventure to the Isle of Skye in Scotland, I just can’t fit it in. And I’ve already emailed Graham a picture of me—from when I went on a weekend walkabout with Gemma in Wales and we had on hiking gear—that can be photoshopped onto a stock image of the Old Man of Storr. I’ll have to go some other time. After the estate is settled.
The fourth one,Help Reese, is awkward. I said I was going to invest in Reese’s side hustle. But I suspect Richard wasn’t impressed by that option, and honestly, I can see why. I roll my neck from side to side. What else can I do from so far away? I’ll try to think of something else. If not... website business investment will have to do it.
It’s the last one that gets me.Find the One that Got Away. I told Richard I’m going to send a message to Ben. Sounds like it checks the box to me. All I have to do is... actually do it. I’ve gotta rip the Band-Aid off on this one. I shudder, even though the sun is partially out from behind a cloud, warming my arms.
And how am I supposed to explain that to Ethan? Do I have to tell him about this one? Surely not. I look up as movement catches my eye. A couple appears around one of the tall shrubs, hands entwined, looking at each other lovingly as they stroll through the gardens. Ethan and I have bonded now. We’re closer, even though that’s hard to believe. I don’t know how to deal with the swirling feelings I have about that man. I don’t want to derail our fragile progress.
Eyes closed, I breathe deeply, in through my nose, letting the light fragrant rose scent fill my nostrils, this time not adding to my nausea. I’ve got this list covered. I let the breath out through my mouth.
Maybe Richard was being dramatic. Maybe this is almost good enough for the bucket list. But a wave of doubt hits from inside my chest, trying to drown me.What if it’s not?What if Richard sees through me and knows I’m cheating my way through this?
“I’m not cheating on some of it,” I say to the yellow, red, and pink rose bushes. I head back toward Baker Street.
An image manifests in my brain. Me meeting with Ben in person and having a real conversation about our relationship and how it ended. Looking into his pale-blue eyes and asking him to elaborate on his words that I’m not girlfriend or wife or mother material. Horror descends on me, and I freeze at the gate to the rose gardens. What would be the point?
I can’t do that.
I can’t do this list the way Evelyn wants me to. I’ll do it my way, and that involves modifying some of the items so I can get through them without losing my mind. But I gotta start somewhere. And that should probably begin with the most painful task ahead of me: connecting with Ben.
14
ETHAN
It was raining and gray by the evening’s practice. No excuse not to play rugby.
