Page 34 of Cilka's Journey
The women wander off.
“I thought…” Josie stammers.
“I guess this is something else our beloved Antonina Karpovna didn’t tell us,” says Elena. “Come on, let’s go for a walk and have a proper look at our prison.”
For the first time in a long while Cilka sees smiles on the faces of some of the women. Despite their exhaustion from the work week, they walk, several arm-in-arm, outside. Cilka supposes this will only happen on Sundays, when the half-day off allows them to be slightly less exhausted. The prisoners gaze at the sky; see the mountains of coal darkening the horizon. They breathe in the fresh air, their enemy in the winter when it sears their throats, burns their lungs. For the first time they see men milling around together in the central area where the men’s and women’s camps meet, not posing a threat to them. Some respond to their smiles with a girlish giggle. A sense of freedom comes over them.
“Come with me, Cilka. We have to find them,” an excited Josie squeals.
“Find who?”
Cilka is surprised by the first face that comes into her mind: the messenger she has seen on the odd occasion at the hospital,the brown-eyed man who had been polite when he accidentally ran into her. They haven’t spoken, though he has nodded hello a couple of times.
“Vadim and Boris. Let’s find them and walk with them. Won’t it be lovely to just walk and talk to them, get to know them, not just—”
“I don’t want to find Boris. Why can’t we just be together? We don’t need them, Josie.” Cilka has tried to be understanding of Josie’s naiveté, her need to think of this as a real connection, but it disturbs her greatly.
“But Iwantto see Vadim. Are you coming or am I going on my own?” a petulant Josie says.
“I’m not interested,” Cilka says coldly.
“Well, if that’s the way you feel…” Josie stomps off. Cilka watches her go, before wandering away on her own.
Cilka struggles with this freedom—it is so new to her. She keeps looking at the perimeter with its guard towers, looking for guards who could mow them down with their weapons. This is how on edge they felt in thatother place. She doesn’t know the rules here yet. She is one of the first to go back to what is, to her, the safety of Hut 29. She waits patiently until they all return, particularly Josie, whom she regrets leaving alone, before going to sleep, making sure they are all back. Then she ties on her blindfold. The women continue to murmur happily as they settle, this small freedom giving them a moment of contentment.
For eight weeks, the sun never leaves the sky. Cilka begins to relax and properly join in on the Sunday evening strolls around the camp. She, along with the other women in her hut, explores the environment. They keep their whole bodies covered, and wrap scarves around their faces, to ward off the mosquitoes. She struggles to convince Josie she doesn’t need to find Vadim and be with him, that he is not her future.
One evening, Hannah begins to walk beside Cilka, pulling her away from Josie with a firm grip just above her elbow. Up close, Cilka can smell the stale sweat in her clothes, the grease in her hair.
“What do you want?” Cilka asks.
“You know, in the war, people like me and Elena worked to resist every oppressing force—the Nazis, the Soviets…”
“I know. You’re a hero.”
“While some people just lay down and gave themselves over to them, even benefiting from thiscouplingwhile watching everyone around them die.” Her grip intensifies on Cilka’s arm. Cilka feels sick. Hannah keeps walking, forcing Cilka to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Cilka says flatly.
“I’m not going to give away my source… but that’s a nasty little secret you’ve kept from us.”
Cilka swallows, feeling fear, rage. It must have been that woman from the train, who had also been in thatother place.
“So, is it true what this woman was saying? She seemed desperate to tell someone. She didn’t seem long for this world.”
“I have nothing to say to you.”
Cilka spares a thought for the woman who, like her, had survived thatother placeonly to end up here. And worse, who might never leave.
“So it is true. You’re just a common whore who gets what she wants by sleeping with the scum of mankind. Well, well, well.”
“You can’t hurt me, Hannah. Don’t even try,” Cilka says, looking her in the eye.
“I bet you don’t want your friends to know. Do you want me to keep your secret?”
“I want you to go fuck yourself. I couldn’t care less what you do or say.” Cilka is bluffing to make the secret less appealing to Hannah. But she knows Hannah must be able to feel her shaking, under the tight clench of her hand.
“I can keep it secret, for a price…”
