Page 124 of The Princesses of Ruin
I use my boot to tug the satchel from my pile of clothes and shove it in Jasper’s direction. He takes it and removes the two seaweed-wrapped vials. They stink, but they’re both fully intact.
The men work at the table, whispering in low voices as we hold one another. The massive spider in the corner clicks its fangs, and, though I was warned of its presence, I wasnotprepared for it. I suck down a sharp gasp as I take in all the eyes, legs, and dark, spiny fur.
“I know. It’s monstrous, right?” Scarlett says with a smile that belies the severity of her words.
“We made some horrifying friends, too,” I say. “With even more legs than him.”
Scarlett snickers and something in her softens, like the grip on the mask she wears loosens a measure. She closes her eyes and her eyebrows relax from their permanent scowl. Arcane darkness ripples across her scar, like even with her eyelids closed she can still see. She’s still watching over us.
A feeling worms through my chest and before I can stop myself, I’m speaking. “I’ve been too harsh…”
“Tell us something we don’t know,” Lily says.
Scarlett tsks, poking her in the ribs with a spindle. “Let her finish the apology.”
“Who said it was going to be an apology?” I say.
“It was an apology,” Alyse murmurs from the center of our huggle puddle.
“Nol’Ther give me patience,” I whisper. “Scarlett, I know you couldn’t come back, and you couldn’t send word—or didn’t know how to safely. When I thought of you, it hurt some, but I imagined you were riding through a field on a big brown stallion, smiling. I never remember seeing you smile, not truly at least, and so your smile always looked like pain in my daydreams.
“It soured my vision of you. It tainted my true memories of you defending us, protecting us. You were always taking Mother’s attention, and I didn’t understand that either…time and age bring perspective, I suppose.”
There’s still more lodged in my throat, but I’m not sure how to get it out. I close my eyes to battle back the tears gathering there.
“I missed you fiercely.”Scarlett’s voice moves through my mind, as I’m sure it does Lily’s too, by way of Alyse.“I’m sorry this is thelife we were handed, but I’m proud of you all for everything you’ve accomplished and become, as horrifying as pussy teeth are—”
The hug huddle shifts as Lily punches Scarlett.
“Ouch,” she grumbles and we all giggle.
“You were resourceful in your fight for survival, and you weren’t afraid to get bloody for it.”
Hurried whispers faster than speech whoosh through me. Thoughts of regret, wishing it wasn’t necessary, wishing for a proper childhood. Wishing…
“There’s more blood to come, and we can’t shy away from the sacrifices that will be necessary. We’re the only ones who can make them, and the only ones who can secure these young ones’ futures.”
The sound of her fingers dragging over a smooth surface rises above the murmurs of the men. I open my eyes to see Scarlett caressing the egg strapped to her chest. Lily and Alyse hold their bellies protectively and I…
I made no sacrifices. I took on no children. I had the easiest deal of them all, simply an alliance and a promise.
“But you had to irrevocably alter the course of their species to make it possible,”Alyse thinks.“You watched Jasper murder their leadership and chose not to stop him. That was a moral sacrifice of its own kind.”
I had told him to stop, but she’s right. I did nothing because I knew in my gut that any leaders who would kill Vek’ihr for asking questions about love were not a leadership I would want to make alliances with. Maybe its culturicide, maybe I’m a monster…but we’ve done what we’ve done and there’s no going back.
“We’ll all have our scars from this,”Scarlett thinks, touching the skin around her missing eye tenderly.
My gaze drops to the half-moon-shaped marks that pepper my arms, and the twisting scars that weave around them. I’ve burned myself raw in the name of justice.
Lily’s body is scarred in every conceivable way: runes and skin pockets designed to hold wings, three-inch claws that hide in her fingers, bone spikes that can protrude from everywhere at any moment. She’s a walking weapon.
Alyse’s scars all live on the inside. Unseen and even more insidious. There’ll never be another dinner party where we share silent jokes about those in attendance. Never another time we’ll titter after a vicious verbal stab at this delegate or that.
We’re not children anymore.
And Scarlett never was.
My throat squeezes painfully, and I finally release the words I’ve been holding there. “I’m sorry for how I’ve treated you.”
