Page 36 of Oh No! There's an Incubus in my Hot Spring
Acidity Level: 5.4
Trace Minerals: >100
General Status: Ill Repair
I laugh at the sheer audacity of this mountain actively reporting what’s going on with it. “This is…this is so useful. This is incredible!”
“If I’d known how much you’d love this feature, I would’ve offered it as the first selling point to bonding with me.” Apollo smiles. “Most of the interpretations are my own—the general status is whatIbelieve is true of the area. When we do a deeper inspection of each room, we will glean new knowledge that will be stored here for our use. Your knowledge will now be kept here as well.”
I turn to him with a scowl. “Wait, does that mean I’m tied to this place, too? That I can’t leave?”
He shakes his head. “No, you’re bound to me in a different way. I had to…become the mountain to survive. This form you see,” he says, gesturing to himself. “It is not my original form. That was destroyed by the witch.”
“I see,” I say, though I’m still a bit confused about just how connected to him and this place I am. But the excitement running through me from the possibilities pushes that worry off for later. “I want to get started right away. We have so much to do before the moving truck arrives tomorrow!”
“What would you like to do first?”
“Those red carpets need to be eighty-sixed,” I say.
He scowls at me in confusion.
“They’re terrible and they have to go. All of them. Can we replace them with wood flooring?” I ask, clapping my hands as I jump up and down. “Ooh, pine! It’ll smell so wonderful in here all the time.”
He grins, cupping my cheek affectionately. “You are delightful. I’m glad you’re here.”
A strange feeling of gratitude and shyness washes over me, and the geode flashes faster. “I am, too. For more than just the great orgasms and back massages. This is what I need, I think. This place, this project, and all its obstacles. And magic!” I shout, unable to keep all the energy inside me.
He laughs. “Then let’s feed your spirit and get to work.”
He waves his hand through the display lingering by the geode and it returns to the top-level status menu.
“Can you teach me to do that?” I ask.
“When you’ve developed significantly enough, you’ll be able to, but for now, you’re too weak,” he says, swiping into the main entrance room. He dives down through the menus until he reaches “Upgrades.”
“It’s so…orderly,” I say, unable to conjure another word.
“I like to keep myself in order.”
On the next screen, several things populate, like windows, doors, reception stand, furniture, and then floors. He swipes into “Floors” and the general status reads, “Needs to be eighty-sixed.”
My cheeks hurt from how hard I’m smiling.
“I sense a few downed pines within my sphere of influence. Would you like me to summon them to the entryway?” Apollo asks.
“Can you turn them into floorboard shapes?” I ask.
“If you give me specifications, I can make that my intent,” he says.
I pull out my phone, which gets absolute shit reception in here—that will need to be rectified, too—and though it takes forever to load, I get dimensions for standard floorboards. “Looks like thirty inches long, by four inches wide, by a half-inch thick,” I say, showing him my phone screen.
“Your apps are incredible, too, much like my magic. You give it your intent, and it responds with information.”
I chuckle. “Yeah, I suppose so. Want me to teach you how to use them?”
“I’d be honored to learn your magic,” he says with a grin. “Now, stand close to me. I will need some of your energy.”
I put my hand on his arm and step beside him.
