Page 20 of A Match Made in Hell
In, out. In, out.
His mouth is against my ear; I think he says my name.
In, out. In, out.
It’s enough. Two final gasps and I’m sagging against him, breaths even at last. And I say the words. ‘It wasn’t an accident,’ I whisper. The words burn, scraping the back of my throat like acid. ‘It was my idea to jump. I pushed Sasha. I’m the reason I’mdead. I told myself I was doing better because I’d made it out of bed, but it was a lie. I was never fine. I was never coping. I kept saying tomorrow would be the day I’d start over, but tomorrow was never going to come, because it was easier to carry on doing stupid shit than admit I didn’t know how to stop.’
I was never going to become Good Decision Willow. Never going to keep my promises to Mum.
Sathanas sighs. ‘You’ve –’
‘Everything is always my fault,’ I interrupt, louder this time, speaking with more conviction. I know he won’t let me pass unless I confess it all. ‘That night was no different. I was out of control. Doing all the things I said I wouldn’t do. It was myfault. I’m an awful person.’
‘Willow . . .’ He spins me round, keeping his hands on my waist after I make another attempt at falling to the floor. His brow is furrowed. ‘You’ve –’
‘That’s what you want me to say, isn’t it? I’m a monster. I’m the worst person in the whole world. I belong here.’ My voice cracks. ‘Well, I don’t want to belong here. I want to be better.’
The crease in his brow deepens, like this confession still isn’t enough to satisfy him, but eventually he says, softer than I expect, ‘Willow. You’ve passed pride.’
Now he’s got what he wanted, he lets me go like I’m an emotionally damaged hot potato and stalks towards his bar. He settles on a stool, then pours himself a drink – once again failing to offer me anything – and I’m left glowering at his back while trying to stop my chin from wobbling.
I shift from one foot to the other. I appear to have been dismissed, but I’m not ready to leave yet. Not when I don’t know what awaits me in the rest of Asphodel.
‘Are all the tasks going to be like this?’ I ask, partly in an attempt to make conversation, and partly so I can brace myself for the next one. ‘Watching memories?’
His shoulders tense. ‘No.’
Phew. I risk a step closer. ‘So, what –’
‘We’ll talk about them soon,’ Sathanas says, his mouth paused around the rim of his glass. ‘You should get some sleep.’
I don’t want to go to sleep. I’m a bottomless well of questions and we’ve barely touched the surface. His finger taps a drumbeat against the bar. It’s a warning. If the finger stops tapping . . . well, I’m not sure what he’ll do. I suspect I don’t want to find out.
But there’s one thing I have to know before I leave. I clear my throat. ‘How many people get sorted here exactly?’ I say hesitantly. ‘Is there a list of names I could check? I need to see if . . .’
‘You won’t see your mother.’ His voice is flat.
‘Oh.’ I don’t bother to ask how he knows who I meant. I deflate, nervous energy dissipating from me like air from a popped balloon. In a small voice, I ask, ‘Where is she?’
He turns his head a fraction of an inch, but still won’t look at me. ‘I’m responsible for a few millennia’s worth of souls. You’ll have to forgive me for not keeping track of every single one.’
‘But would you know if she was in Asphodel?’ A fresh wave of panic floods my veins. ‘What if she’s in Tartarus?’
But Mum wouldn’t be there. I hope.
‘Tartarus is for the truly irredeemable.’ A muscle in his jaw ticks. ‘Asphodel is more of a . . . middle ground. Some see it as a new beginning, a chance to live again, free of the constraints of Earth.’
When he puts it like that, it doesn’t sound terrible. He is, of course, conveniently leaving out the part about the constant threat of demons and the Void. Besides, I don’t want a new beginning. I want to prove myself capable of living the life I was supposed to live all along. I want to go home and tell Sasha how desperately, desperately sorry I am that I put hers in jeopardy.
‘With that in mind, you’ll find certain areas are locked to youat certain times. The magic here has a way of guiding the dead away from those they had conflict with in the past. If she’s here, you won’t see her. How can you have a fresh start surrounded by the memories of old mistakes?’
All I’ve ever wanted is to be proud of you. I shiver. At least this means I won’t be having a family reunion any time soon.
‘And then, of course, there’s Elysium.’ Sathanas’s voice is the softest I’ve ever heard it.
‘Is that . . . what is that?’ I ask, although I can guess.
‘It’s peace,’ he says, sounding a little wistful. I wonder how much peace he gets, here in Asphodel. ‘An eternal quiet.’
