Page 472 of Shadowblood Souls
I inhale and exhale through my nose so it’s not so obvious that I’m expending significant effort to cool myself down. So I can at least keep the appearance that I wasn’t on the verge of exploding.
When I’m sure I can speak steadily, I lift my head. “If that’s what my friends want, I’ll go along with it. I know I’ve screwed up before, and it’s not their job to deal with that—it’s mine. But the decision is up to them, not you.”
I risk glancing around then, and the expressions that meet me might as well be another punch to the gut. But not in a way I can blame them for.
Griffin doesn’t look surprised, but then, Griffin knows me at least as well as I know myself. He’ll have followed every shift of my emotions.
The other guys… look relieved. Andreas even shoots me a reassuring smile, as if to say,Good job.
They weren’t sure whether I’d hold myself together. They were probably afraid I’d explode like our captor hoped I would.
Well, why wouldn’t they be? How many times have I gone off half-cocked or pushed myself past my limits and left them to pick up the pieces of whatever I broke?
I’ve never even really apologized for all of that, have I? I’ve made my amends with Riva, because I hurt her the worst, but I’m sure I’ve inflicted a hell of a lot of smaller pains on my friends over the years.
All the times Dominic expended his powers and felt his tentacles growing while he healed me up. All the sharp remarks and barked commands I threw at the three of them.
It wasn’t just Riva I was an asshole to.
She’s pushed a little closer to the screen, staring Balthazar down. “If that’s the only kind of advice you can offer, then you can shove it. I guess we will figure everything out ourselves.”
I might still explode, but if I do now, it’ll be out of love for this woman who’s somehow chosen to be mine.
She spins and strides out of the room, and the rest of us follow without another word. Neither Balthazar nor Matteo tries to stop us.
In the hall, Zian rests his hand on his belly. “Am I the only one who’s starving?”
The question is so Zee and so incongruent with the conversation we just ended that it sets off a burst of hilarity. I start chuckling, and Riva breaks into giggles, and then everyone’s cracking up, even Zian.
In the middle of our laughter, we manage to make it to the kitchen. Andreas starts poking around in the fridge, and Dominic automatically moves to grab plates out of the cupboard.
And my amusement dies, strangled by the knowledge thatI’mnot actually done with that conversation.
“Guys,” I say, feeling unnervingly awkward.
My friends leave off their lunch-making to look at me.
Riva leans against the counter, watching with thoughtful curiosity. I have the sense that she’d leap in to help if she knew where I was going with this.
But the fuck-ups have been mine. I can own them.
I glance from Drey to Zee to Dom. “I just wanted to say—I should have said it sooner—I’m sorry I’ve been an ass so much of the time. Not just since we went on the run, but before in the facility too. No matter what I was going through, I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. I never want to again. Okay?”
Andreas offers another smile, this one slightly crooked. I have apologized to him in part before. “I don’t think any of us blames you, Jake. We were all dealing with a lot. I’m sure the rest of us screwed up in all kinds of ways too.”
I wince. “Not like I did.”
“We’re all different people,” Zian says carefully. “It affected us in different ways.”
“You still shouldn’t have had to put up with me acting like a prick.”
Dominic smiles too, soft and bittersweet. “No. But did you ever cross the line on purpose? Was there ever a moment when you felt like you could have done something different—better—and just decided not to?”
The memory of the aching emptiness that filled me for so much of those four years nibbles at the edges of my mind with a twinge of lingering horror. A lot of the time it was a wonder I did anything at all.
“No,” I say hoarsely. “But that’s not an excuse. Ishouldhave been thinking. I?—”
Griffin moves to my side and slips his hand around my arm. My gaze shoots to him, and my throat constricts even more.
