Page 415 of Shadowblood Souls
The thing inside me that revels in pain clamors for me to twist and torture. But I clamp down on those urges and give the hunger only the brief satisfaction of ripping the fleshy chambers in two.
The knob-chinned man jerks to a halt with a spasm. His hand flies to his chest; bloody spittle flecks his lips.
His adoring entourage lets out its own chorus of screams as he crumples to the floor.
And the three of us shadowbloods meld back into the crowd, heading for the lobby. A sour taste laces my mouth thanks to the dirty work I’ve just carried out.
Seven
Griffin
The pain is everywhere already, but somehow it keeps expanding. It creeps under my fingernails, claws up my spine, and pierces through my skull.
I ache from the roots of my teeth to the tips of my toes, and it just keeps coming. Building. Sharpening.
It goes on and on until it’s impossible to be aware of anything but the physical sensations, until the wrenching scene projected in front of me blurs before my eyes and I have no room left in me to even start to care?—
I jerk awake with a cry rasping from my lips.
The room around me is dark. It takes a few seconds for my mind to register the soft weight of the blanket over me, the broad mattress beneath me.
Nothing hurts except for the pang of horror resonating through my chest when I think back to the nightmare I just escaped.
I roll over on the lavish bed Balthazar gave me, as if he thinks a fancy headboard can make up for our enslavement, and press the side of my face into the feather pillow. My pulse thumps dully on.
It wasn’t just a nightmare. It was a fragment of the past flashing back to me, haunting me.
The guardians wanted me to reject all of my emotions so thoroughly I wouldn’t be remotely affected by a single feeling of my own. They inflicted every torment they could on me to achieve their goal.
I’m gradually getting better at tuning out the automatic jolts of pain that hit me in reaction to the emotions I’ve managed to let back in. But I have no defenses in my sleep.
In my sleep, I go through the whole treatment all over again.
After all the conditioning I went through, my body’s instinctive reaction is to lock down. Shut away the slightest twinge of an emotional response. Shield myself against further physical agony.
I know I can’t do that. When I’m numb, I might not experience any regret or sadness myself, but I deal out more than I can stomach to the people around me.
I let myself get duped into helping Clancy capture my brother, my only friends, and the woman I love. I lost their trust and maybe ruined our first escape attempt because I didn’t even trust myself.
From now on, I’m going into every situation we face aware—both of what’s going on around me and what’s going on inside me. Everyone needs a conscience.
I sure wish Balthazar had more of one.
As I inhale and exhale slowly to relax my nerves, the static that’s filled my head and my heart for so long ebbs. I focus on each flutter of emotion as I recognize it, giving my respect by labeling and acknowledging.
I’m afraid of what’s going to happen to us here—and of what’s already happened to us. I’m terrified that we’ve lost Dominic in every way that matters.
I’m lonely, here in this expansive bedroom by myself.
And I care—about Riva, about Jacob, about the friends I was torn apart from years ago and the kids who’ve become our new companions. I care so much that a conditioned wave of agony rises up on the heels of the sensation.
I clench my jaw against the physical pain and push myself out of the bed. There’s one more emotion in me now—anger at the men and women who upended my entire physiology.
I don’t know if I’m ever going to function like a normal feeling human being again, and that’s their fault.
Some of the habits that’ve become ingrained in me provide comfort without sending me back into numbness. I start each day with a short shower and a brisk scrubbing, dress swiftly, and make my bed even though as far as I know no one else here is ever going to see it.
Then I get down to the little bit of work I can do that might help us survive.
