Page 318 of Shadowblood Souls
“Maybe, but anyone else wouldn’t have—” I close my eyes with a wince. “She started tugging on my arm for me to join her, and something in me just snapped. The wolf-man came roaring to the surface all raging. I just wanted her tostop, I wanted her to be gone, to leave me and my friends alone…”
My voice trails off into the stillness around the pool. I inhale raggedly, my stomach churning as I put the memory that’s haunted me for nearly four years into words.
“I was hardly aware of what I was doing. But then the guardians zapped me back to reality, and she was there on the floor… in pieces… all the blood…”
I press my hand against my face. “It wasn’t her fault. They’d hired her, they’d told her what to do. She might not even have had any more of a choice than we did.”
My whole body is tensed against Riva’s reaction. But when her voice reaches me, it’s quiet and steady.
“That’s right. It was the guardians’ fault. They should never have put you in that position.”
“I shouldn’t have lashed out that harshly. I shouldn’t have lost control.” My breath rushes out of me. “And now, when I’m in any situation that feels like that scenario even a little, all the feelings come back. The disgust and the anger and the horrorabout what I did. And I’m terrified. If I can’t control the feelings, then how do I know I can keep control of myself?”
It could be Riva lying in a puddle of blood, chest gouged open and limbs strewn by my vicious hands. Not because she did anything wrong. Because I’m just too fucking messed up to protect her from myself.
And here she is, still trying to help me after everything I’ve told her. “That makes sense. Of course you’d want to be careful.”
I manage to raise my head to finally meet her eyes. “It isn’t fair to you. It’s theworstwith you, because even a totally innocent touch can set me off, because… because I do want you, so it always affects me more. But nothing’s gotten better as we’ve spent more time together. I might be like this forever.”
Riva’s eyes glint with a shimmer that might be tears. For me?
“If you are, then that’s how you are,” she says. “But you haven’t had that much time to see how we could work through it, right? We’ll just have to take it as it goes and see what happens. When we’re in a place where we can actually do that without any… pressure hanging over us.”
A burn forms behind my own eyes. I want so badly to hug her right now.
Instead, I reach, ever so tentatively, to rest my hand on the basket between us.
Riva watches and carefully sets her hand just a few inches from mine. An offering, take it or leave it.
I swallow hard and evaluate the emotions whirling inside me. Then I let myself slide my hand that last short distance to curl my fingers around hers.
Riva responds with a gentle squeeze that sends a pang through my heart. Her smile is tight, but I know the pain in it is empathy for me, not her own distress.
“This is enough,” she says, like she told me before. “It will always be enough.”
I thought I already loved her as much as a person could, but somehow in that moment, the feeling grips me twice as hard.
How can I care about her so fucking much and still not be sure I won’t destroy her?
Darkness settles over the glade. The warmth starts to fade from the air, chilling my damp clothes and probably Riva’s too.
We grab another tart each and then pack up the baskets. Before we can set off for the facility, lights glow along the path.
Clancy arrives with another two guardians in tow. One moves to collect the boxes, while the other goes to Riva.
She offers Riva a poncho to warm her up—and removes the bands from her arms without a word.
As the guardian motions for Riva to walk along the path, Clancy reaches for my own arms. I hold myself tensed as he detaches the bands.
“I’m sorry,” he says in a low voice for only my ears. “I was aware of the incident at your old facility, but I failed to realize how deep the trauma ran. I shouldn’t have put any pressure on you at all. Nothing like this will happen again.”
I blink at him, but all he adds is a brisk nod. Then, without any sign of expecting forgiveness, he ushers me ahead of him down the path.
I follow the light that glimmers off Riva’s hair, tension still humming through my body. Should I even believe his apology?
It’s hard to imagine we’ve won any kind of victory here. All we can do is wait and see what Clancy and his guardians will try next… until we’re free of them.
Fifteen
