Page 326 of Shadowblood Souls
The tiny but heated quivers that shot through my nerves and had my pulse momentarily hitching.
The memory in turn provokes a faint twinge of aversion. No, that shouldn’t happen. No, that’s nothing I want.
The source of that reaction is buried so deep now that it doesn’t contain any emotion of its own, only a dull impression of recoiling within my head.
What am I recoiling from, though? It was Riva— It wasgood.
The urge to walk straight to wherever she is and feel it again nibbles at the edges of my mind.
No.
Even feeling things because of her can be a problem. Those kinds of feelings could be theworstproblem.
Couldn’t they?
I rub my forehead as if the gesture will sort out my uncertainties.
All I know for sure is that Clancy created a problem much bigger than any turmoil inside me. How could he have thought it made sense to send me to Riva as if I could take Zian’s place in his disturbing plan?
Unless Riva was wrong, and that wasn’t what he intended after all.
If it wasn’t, if he has nothing to justify, why hasn’t he already come to tell me that?
Jacob would be furious. I’ve felt my brother’s anger, sharper and harsher than it ever was when I knew him before.
I’ve felt it aimed at me. How am I going to makehimunderstand that I was trying to keep him safe in my own way?
I thought, once we could see each other again…
At a plaintive meow, I lift my head. Lua is stalking over to me, her tail standing straight and her ears perked in anticipation.
My cat might not be able to talk, but I can instantly tell what she wants, although I can’t read animal emotions at all. Even without the inner insight, she’s so much simpler than any of the human beings I encounter.
As she rubs her cheek against my leg, I reach down and give her a gentle scratch down the length of her spine. With an encouraging meow, Lua jumps right onto my lap.
She stretches out in her favorite spot, squeezed into the narrow space between my thigh and the arm of the chair, and offers up her white-furred belly for more pets. A smile crosses my lips as I oblige.
It isn’t the same as feeling something, but I get a general satisfaction out of knowing I can cater to her needs. Makeherhappy.
That the emptiness of my body doesn’t stop me from showing I care in the ways I can.
When I told Clancy I was bringing Lua with me from the facility I’d been kept at before, he started to ask if that was reallynecessary. The look I gave him stopped him halfway through the question.
I’m not totally sure why the guardians who worked on me after the escape attempt brought her to me as a kitten, but she’s mine now. She counts on me.
And maybe I need her a little bit as well.
At the knock on my door, Lua twitches in surprise and then goes right back to purring avidly. I scoop her up and get to my feet, reaching to switch off the music.
“Come in.”
I know it’s Clancy already, well before he opens the door. Every person in this place has a different feel to them, and I’m more familiar with his overall air than most.
He steps inside and stays by the door, his arms folded loosely in front of him. The fact that I have no emotions roiling in my own chest makes me twice as aware of his own, as detached as I am from the visceral sensations of them.
He’s apprehensive but mostly calm and determined. Prepared for this to be an uncomfortable talk but assuming everything will be smoothed over without much difficulty.
I hope he’s right.
