Page 19 of Dirty, Bruised Martini
I’m tired of crying so much. I never used to be so frail and weepy. But I’m not myself anymore, and I couldn’t hold back the tears when I realized the embarrassing truth. You’ve had my engagement ring all this time and didn’t give it back to me. Didn’t want me to wear it. I don’t know if I can take it if you’ve changed your mind. If you don’t want to marry me anymore.
Abigail tried to console me. Assuring me I’m just exhausted and overwrought from my recovery. That you’re totally and completely in love with me. So apparently obvious, everyone else can see it too. But her attempts to conceal the truth were awkward, and it was so dumb for me to be upset about discovering how you really feel. I guess I knew all along. I just didn’t want to accept reality. That you feel guilt for me but not love. Not anymore.
She suggested I keep it with me. Maybe that would be comforting. I should tell her no. I should tell her to put it back where she found it. I should act like we never discovered your secret. But I’m not that good at hiding my emotions. I’m not that good at pretending you didn’t just shatter my heart.
I think about that asshole bastard when I see my ring on a thin chain around your neck instead of on your dainty finger. Where it fucking belongs.
I’ve been trying to be patient. Considerate. Understanding. But fuck all of that. If you’re wearing my ring, you’re wearing my fucking ring. So I acted like the asshole I am and ordered Abigail out. Keeping vigil over you myself while you slept. I fucking hated watching your body jerk and twitch. So damn fitful and restless. Furious from your puffy eyes. Raging from your swollen and red cheeks. You’ve been crying, and I’m going to find out why. Find out why the fuck you’re upset and destroy whoever or whatever made you unhappy.
I think about you when I realize you’re back to yourself.
You’ve stopped treating me like I’m fragile and broken, and I’m so glad. I’ve missed you. I’ve missed us.
When I woke up and you brushed my hair back from my cheek you were gentle. So very gentle yet somehow I could still feel the possessiveness in your touch. Of the urgency you conveyed to connect with me. Of the demand in your tone to know why the fuck that ring wasn’t on my finger where it belonged. Of the fire burning between us when I told you what I thought.
Of the relief flowing through me to know now whatyoureally think.
I think about our wedding when your fingers brush over the engagement ring you should be wearing on your finger.
Fuck, I need to buy you better jewelry than the cheap stuff you have from before you met me. That crap necklace snapped like a string when I ripped it from your delicate throat. I know I was too damn rough but when you told me the fucked up shit you believed about me and you and us, I was gone. All kinds of crazy, somebody’s going to die, fucking gone.
I don’t think your gorgeous eyes have been any bigger then when I slid next to you on the mattress and got up in your perfect face. Reminding you that regardless of what we’ve said or done, any mistakes I’ve made, any doubts you’ve felt, you are mine. You’ll always be mine. You’ll never be anyone else’s but mine.
Simple agreement with a breathless yes and your ring was back where it belongs and will forever stay.
I think about whomever you’re threatening when I hear your steely voice on the other side of the door.
Promising to cut off his balls and shove them into his eye sockets because he can’t fucking see what’s right in front of him anyway. A shudder ran through me because as much as I want to believe your words are just words, deep down I know they’re not.
I should be frightened of you. I should channel my fear to walk right out the door and never look back. But I can’t. Not because you won’t let me. Because I love you too much to let you go either.
Proven when you pushed open the door. Filling the room with your all-consuming intensity before even stepping inside. Your broad chest expanding from a deep breath that ended with a smile. You’ve told me before I’m the only person who brings you peace amidst the constant chaos swirling around you twenty-four-seven. Amazing me that I somehow provide that solace for you. With you standing there drinking me in, your penetrating gaze sweeping from my messy bun to my silky tank top to my pink socks, I swore to myself I would try my damnedest, regardless of all we’ve been through, to always be the one who provides that tranquility for you.
Resolute in your actions and your touch. For the first time since I’ve been home, I felt the crackle of heat sparking low in my belly. Flickering between my hips when you slowly spun my chair from facing my computer to breathing in you. Never breaking from staring into my eyes to kiss my ring, the back of my hand. Turning over my fingers to lavish my wrist, my forearm, my shoulder, before nuzzling my neck. Your huge palm cupping my cheek. Whispering your love for me against my flushed skin.
My heart and mind and body in a three-way battle whether to ask for more or scream at you to stop. I didn’t know what I wanted. Except for you not to leave.
Somehow you read my thoughts. Never moving past simple kisses and soothing caresses. In the past you would have kept going until I was naked. Until I was drenched. Until I was begging for you.
But this afternoon, I know you wanted more. Yet you gave me less because you knew it was what I needed. All I can accept for now.
Reminding me once again that despite your dominance over everyone and everything else, only I get to see this gentle side of you. Only I know how tender and kind you truly are.
I think about what a lame ass bastard I am when I’m on my fucking knees.
You do this to me, rosy girl. Literally bring me to my god damn fucking knees with just a crooked grin. I hadn’t seen you for over an hour, and I missed you. Which pisses me off to be so owned by you. But it is what it is. Neither of us can deny it.
When I found you in your studio working contently on organizing your files, I couldn’t get to you fast enough. Too damn adorable to resist with your wild hair and bare shoulders. Too tempting with your engagement ring glistening on your dainty finger. I had to taste you.
You let me. Allowed me to touch you and remind you how much I love you. Grinning like a damn fool when your slender arms wrapped around me after I kissed up your body. Hugging me back as tight as you could when I held you. Ignoring my rock hard dick jammed against the chair cushion. Loving me despite my flaws.
I think about him when the floor vibrates under my feet.
The heavy thudding rattled in my bones. An unexpected reminder of the day he left me to die. Bitter panic filled my chest, and I had to find you. More than I just didn’t want to be alone. I wantedyou. So I ran through the hallway and down the steps. Slow and awkward with my healing back but as fast as I could. Attempting to calm myself as my slippers smacked against the polished ebony wood whispering the words Jane said I should remind myself of any time I’m afraid. The comforting refrain on repeat in my throbbing head and trembling lips.
He’s dead.
He can’t hurt me anymore.
