Page 29 of On the Rocks
He tosses his cell on the table. Blows out a long sigh. Stalling and shrugging while she gathers her purse and grocery bags. Pretending he's trying to protect my feelings in her presence. But I don't believe him. I don't believe any of his concern. "Please just tell me."
"You've had these...episodes the doctors call them...in the past. Where your anxiety gets so bad you get confused."
I'm paralyzed by his words. A strange kaleidoscope twisting logic and absurdity. Possible yet unlikely. I've never heard of anything like he describes. But that's not saying much. I've never heard of a lot of things that he tells me. That I can't remember.
"You block out what you don't have the capacity to deal with. Your mind is weak, Cat. You can't handle real life. I have to take care of you. I'm all you’ve got who will put up with you and your outbursts."
Maybe it really is true. I'm difficult. Crazy. That's why I have no friends. Or family. No one sticks around when you're too unbalanced to love.
The door closes softly. She’s gone, but he keeps talking. Even though I don't want to hear it. I've learned all I need to know. I am alone.
"Last time it got so bad they had to treat you. They strapped you down...put the nodules on your scalp and forehead… your whole body jerked off the table from the current going through you."
Slow and torturous, his gaze burrows into mine. He enjoys punishing me. Scaring me.
“It was so damn painful. It broke my heart how terrified you were. Screaming and begging for me to make them stop. Swearing you’d do anything if I just keep them from hurting you so much."
"Please don’t?"
"Is that what you need again? Do I need to call them to take you away and shock your brain? I mean even Mrs. Garrison saw how fucked up you truly are."
My punishment for asking for her help. The woman I hoped to be my savior now a witness to my instability. Using her to prove him right. To corroborate how broken I am. "No."
He shakes his head from my whisper. Expecting more. So much more. That I'm not sure I can give.
"What Cat? I didn't quite catch that."
A sadistic smile lights his face. He caught it. He caught my words. He caught me. And I don't know how to untangle myself from the chaos that binds me to him. But I can't make it worse. I meet his eye. The iris as black as his soul. I refuse to flinch. I may be weak but I'm not giving up. "No."
"Good." He leans back. Crossing his arms in victory. Gloating in his is triumph. “I'm glad we've got that settled. Now, what do you want to do today?"
Die. "Nothing."
"Don't be a bitch. We’re on fucking vacation. I don’t want to just sit around all day. Let’s go somewhere and do something.”
Hope swells in my chest. We’re leaving. Going outside. With other people. Another chance to get help. I try not to sound too eager. “I need some clothes. Maybe we can go shopping?”
“Yeah, sure.” His expression darkens, and he reaches down to adjust himself. Never breaking my gaze. “We’ll even get you another wedding ring since you’ve lost yours again. It’ll be like we’re on our second honeymoon. Would you like that baby girl?”
All I can do is nod to keep from vomiting on the table.
* * *
Istand nakedin front of the three-way mirror.
Counting the bruises.
One each on my forehead and cheek. My thighs flaming scarlet with the outline of his handprints. The blossoming black and purple knot swelling on my rib cage. The scrapes of his fingernails on my throat. The gouge in my arm, rough with angry scabs.
This is what he’s done to me in the last six hours.
What will he do in six days? Six weeks? Six months?
Will I even survive that long?
“Holy shit! What happened to you girl?”
Tears well up in my eyes from the shock in the sales lady’s tone as I wrap my arms around myself. Covering my nudity and my shame. What has happened to me?
