Page 61 of Straight, No Chaser
Heavy silence hangs between us. Only the pounding of my own racing heart sounds in my ears. She’s too damn quiet. Terrifying me that she’s already gone. So I offer the only profession I have left to give. The only offense I genuinely feel guilty about. “Sean was right about everything he told you. I bought your Dad's loans and threatened your landlord so you'd have to stay here. I was so fucking crazy in love with you and didn't want to lose you. It seemed so perfect. I thought you could be a mother for Eli.”
My heart slams against my rib cage when she looks back at me. Her expression finally softening at the mention of little man's name. At least she believes in my love for my brother. "And a wife for you?"
I can't hold back and slide my finger around hers, grasping the smooth skin where her ring used to be. Where it fucking should be. "Yeah, angel. That's all I've ever wanted. But I wasn't sure if you'd want me."
“Why wouldn’t I want you? You’re an amazing man. It would have happened.” A bittersweet laugh brings a half smile to her beautiful face. “Maybe not quite as fast as it did. But it would have. I know it.”
“I want to believe that.” She'll hate me even more than she does now if she knows the truth. "But, I..."
Rarely am I at a loss for words. Only she can humble me into a muted submission.
"Just be honest, Luciano. Please. Tell me everything." Her impassioned gaze meets mine. More confident than I am that we can survive this. "Tell me the truth."
So fucking innocent. She has no idea the real me. The man she'll loathe. Might as well get it over with. She's going to leave anyway. “About a year before I hired you, Ty and I were out partying, and we brought home a woman to fuck. I had my dick inside her, and I was such a fucking selfish bastard, I didn't even know her god damn name."
My stomach rolls from the memory. Not that I'm much better now. But at least I finally realize there's someone I love more than myself. That I could actually accept her love in return. "But, then she went limp. Curled against my shoulder. I was so fucking pissed. I thought..."
“What?”
Goosebumps lift on my skin from the fear in her whisper. Matching the terror racing through me that these are our last moments together. That she’ll climb out of this bed and walk out that door forever. Killing me. And Eli. "I thought she was hugging me. It was supposed to be a one night stand. I didn't want a relationship or her emotion. So I jerked away, and she fell.”
An involuntary gag engulfs my throat. Almost like I can still fucking hear the sickening sound of her body crashing against the concrete. Smell the bitter concoction of sweat and sex and her coconut lime perfume twisted in a kaleidoscope of blood and cum. I can barely whisper. “She slammed her face against the floor and broke her nose. Except that as horrible as it was, it didn't even matter because she was already dead.”
“Luciano...”
I hate the pity in her voice. None of which I deserve. “Her name was Rachael. She had an undiagnosed heart condition. Her parents sued us, even though we weren’t at fault. It could've happened at any time. But they were heartbroken. Embarrassed she died fucking us. We settled out of court. Paid them ten million dollars to make it all go away. And never speak of it again.”
But that was too damn easy. Although Ty and I never talked about what happened, it's all I could ever think about. Owning my every thought and action. To know this woman died so pitifully with the two of us, who didn't even know her. Didn't give a damn about her. Until she became a problem. That we had to fix. That we had to find a way to cover up.
“I’m so sorry. For all of you.”
I shake my head. The pillow case cool against my burning cheeks. Unable to accept her sympathy. “Not me, just her.”
"Yes, you too. She was with you because she wanted to be, whether her family liked it or not. It’s no different than if all of you had been in a car wreck or there'd been a fire.”
If only it was that simple. But in my fucking house, our naked bodies using each other for nothing but wanton pleasure, it’s too intimate. Too personal. Too raw.
“It’s a form of survivor’s guilt or post-traumatic stress. You think if you’d done something more or something different, then she would still be alive.”
She entwines our fingers and pulls my arm back around her body. Shocking me to my core that she wants to comfort me. Isn’t too repulsed to touch me.
“But we both know that’s not true.”
Beyond the lawyers and my brother, I’ve never shared this secret with anyone. Never let another person see how truly fucking broken I am. And within just a few minutes she has me and my fucked up head all figured out. My beautiful, brilliant angel. “How do you know so much?”
“Lots and lots of counseling. I blamed myself too for what happened with Hunter. What if I really was a tease? Why did I accept the drink he laced? Was it just ‘boys being boys’ and I overreacted?” Darkness overtakes her expression. Her own demons battling within her head and heart. “It took a long time for me to accept that I didn’t do anything wrong.”
Unable to understand how she could ever have those doubts, I extinguish the anger flaming in my muscles from the reminder of what that motherfucking bastard did to her. She deserves my tenderness, not my rage. I caress her wet cheek. Tears for both of us. “It wasn’t your fault.”
“It wasn’t yours either. You have to believe it too.”
Simple absolution granted through an impassioned whisper in the darkness. Not sure if I can accept it. But I will damn sure try. For her.
We lie quietly. Both of us lost in thought. No sounds until her huge yawn. My own exhaustion sets in, and I tug her closer. Kissing her forehead before my eyes fall shut. Letting go when her head tucks under my chin. Uncertain what the future holds but content for now that she knows she’s safe and loved. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
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