Page 33 of Straight, No Chaser
Fuck me. I glance back at her. She rubs her hands up and down her bare arms. I don’t know what the fuck she was thinking wearing a sleeveless dress like that. Doesn’t she know how fucking cold it is when you fly. Then it hits me like a two by four. No, because I’m a dumb ass, and she’s never been on a plane before. Like a pussy I trudge back to her. “There’s a blanket in the drawer under your seat.”
“I’m fine.”
God damn it. I roll my neck to keep from saying something shitty. This girl is going to fucking kill me. I squat down and yank the handle open. Forcing her to twist her crossed legs, giving me a peek at more of her smooth thigh. I unfold the gray cover and drape the fabric across her. Still unwilling to meet my eyes but at least she doesn’t kick me in the balls when I stand up.
“Thank you Luciano.”
The hollowness in her tone almost undoes me. I can’t fucking stand her hating me. Even though I fucking deserve worse. “I hope you don’t plan on acting like this the entire trip.”
“Well, I hope you don’t plan on acting like a huge jerk for the rest of your life.”
Jerk. Sweet hell, this woman is so naïve. That’s the saddest fucking insult I’ve ever heard. I can’t but help laugh.
“Please…” Until her quivering voice catches. “…Just leave me alone.”
She turns away, laying the side of her head against the leather. So I don’t see her cry.
I would fucking kill any other man who treated her this way. I’m a fucking bastard who doesn’t deserve any less. Fuck. I drop down to the table between the benches. “I've tried. God, I've fucking tried. But I just can’t seem to let you go.”
“You’re…”
Too innocent to say the curse words she should. So, I do it instead. “A stupid fucking bastard.”
She remains silent yet doesn’t flinch when I curl my fingers over hers. “And just like you. I’ve never done this before.”
Disgust darkens her face even more, and she shakes her head. Long hair rustling against the head rest from her ferocity. Done with my stupid ass, she jerks her hand from underneath mine. Angles her body away from me even more to look out the window. I guess clouds of nothingness are better than my ugly face. “I don’t mean sex. I mean love.”
The blanket billows from her shudder like I’ve touched her. Not her skin but her heart. Maybe piercing a tiny bit through the wall she built protecting herself from me. Damn, why does this have to be so fucking hard? “I’ve never loved anyone or wanted anyone to love me.”
Her defense softens just a bit more. Yet she doesn’t turn around. Probably still thinks my words are lame bullshit just like they sound to my own ears. Although the sentiment is truer than I ever thought possible. Or thought I could admit. “I want that now. With you. But I don’t know how.”
For the first time ever, in my whole fucking fucked up life, I don’t know what to do. What else to say. To make her believe me. To bring her back to me. So I wait. Helpless. Pathetic. Miserable.
A small sigh escapes her mouth. “You’re just so confusing. I never know who I’m going to have to deal with. Sometimes it’s this Luciano. The one who’s gentle and generous to me and such a good dad to Eli.”
No one has ever thought I was good. Slaying me that she believes I am. Even more shocking that she thinks I’m suitable father for my little brother.
“Or sometimes it’s sexy Luciano.” Pink flushes her cheeks and her voice drops. “Who makesmefeel sexy and beautiful and wanted more than any man ever has before.”
God, I fucking love that I make her feel that way. Exactly how it should be. Only me.
“But then there’s cruel, vindictive Luciano…” A sob bubbles out and her eyes squeeze shut. Unwilling to face me. “…which scares me so much that someone I love hurts me more than I think I can recover from.”
God fucking damn. She loves me. Fucking amazing after the hell I’ve put her through, that I haven’t managed to completely destroy her feelings for me. I can barely hear her broken voice but the anguish rings through clearly.
“The pain Hunter caused me is nothing compared to what you do to me.” She jerks around, more despondent than I’ve ever seen her, gripping my coat sleeves with tiny fists. Huge eyes flickering with fear while she shakes me. “If you don’t want me, then please leave me alone. I’m begging you. I can’t take it anymore. I don’t know if this is just some sick game you’re playing with me or what. But you’ve got to stop hurting?.”
Fucking motherfucker. She thinks I'm worse than fucking Hunter. I've got to fucking fix this. I yank her to me. Holding her stiff body while she sobs. From the torture I’ve put her through. From the agony I’ve inflicted on her delicate heart. Which fucking ends now. I caress her head, whispering into her silky hair. “It’s not a game.”
“I just want to take care of Eli. I love him, and I can’t lose him.”
She trembles in my embrace. Her body so small and fragile smashed against my pounding chest. “You won’t. I promise. I’m sorry, I just…”
What? Can’t get my shit together? Don’t like to admit my weakness? Find it impossible to believe that she wants me as much as I want her?
“Please don’t fire me. I’ll do anything you want. Just don’t make me leave Eli.”
Her sobs ratchet up to hysteria. I’ve pushed her too fucking far, and I’ve got to bring her back. She has to know I will never use him or sex as a weapon.
