Page 67 of Falling Inn Love
“Are you good?” Cara asks.
“I think I will be. It’s time. It’s been a long time. I thought time would make it better. But honestly? I don’t think it will truly ever get better unless I face it and work to process it. I can’t keep running and burying it under work.”
“I’m proud of you, and I love you. You know you’re always welcome here, anytime, for however long.”
“Thanks,” I tell her. “I’m ready.”
We drive in silence back to her house. When we pull into the driveway and I see her white house with black shutters, I immediately feel a pang in my chest. I remember coming here with John all the time.
Everly and Grace come running out and give me a hug. Cara was pregnant with her girls when Emmie and John died. My eyes sting because Emmie wouldn’t be that much older than them if she had lived. I think about that all the time when Cara sends pictures. How would she have liked kindergarten? What would her favorite foods be? What toys would she be playing with? I miss her. I’ve missed everything.
“Hey, girls.” I hug them back then grab my backpack.
“Come on, love. Steve has the grill going. We’re going to get relaxed, get some wine, and it’s going to be okay.”
Later, we sit outside in the warm Texas fall and talk.
Cara sips her wine. “What happened in Freedom Valley?” she asks.
“Did you talk to Logan?”
“Yeah, I did. He likes Evan. He says he seems like a great guy, and he’s confused what happened. I’m confused, too. Why did you leave?”
Why did I leave?Because it hurts. I could lose him, too, and I’m scared to hurt again. I know I sound crazy when I actually say it out loud.
I take a deep breath. “He told me he loves me. I couldn’t say it back. I just feel like I have so much to work through before I can go there… I don’t know if I can ever go there again with someone else. I just got scared.”
“So you think it’s easiernotto love again?”
“Maybe,” I say as I look out over the yard. Seeing the twins’ toys scattered everywhere makes me miss Kase.
“That doesn’t make sense.”
“I know, but I still feel it.”
“What’s holding you back?”
I explain to her how I felt about my heart still feeling there but guilty about my family here.
“They’re not here. They’re still with you wherever you go. They’re a part of you. I think when you are able to understand that they’re not here, to let go of the idea of them being here somehow because you lost them here, you’ll be able to move on.”
I know she’s right about that, but what she doesn’t get just yet is that Evan is also gone. “It’s done with Evan,” I tell her. “He said he won’t chase me. He was really mad when I left. Really mad.”
“Well, guess what? People get mad. That doesn’t mean they’re completely done with someone. Especially not when he told you he loves you. He has to see that you have a lot you’re working through right now.”
“He has his own things to worry about.” I think about the fall festival happening soon and my heart sinks. I’m going to miss it. I miss them. I miss him.
“One day at a time. One hour, one minute at a time, if you need it. Don’t give up on him. I don’t think he’s giving up on you.”
Evan’s words echo in my head. He won’t come for me. He’s done.
I shake my head. “You didn’t hear the things he said when I left.”
“Just take it one day at a time…”
* * *
The next day goes by in a blur. I walk through our old home. The property management company had it painted and changed the floors, but the place still holds so many memories. Good and then bad. I’ve decided to list it for sale and move forward. It’s funny to think I’ve owned a house all these years and rented it out when most of that time I was homeless. The irony is not lost on me. Sometimes living when the ones you love have died is harder than dying. Navigating life alone has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
