Page 22 of Falling Inn Love
“I’m a widow,” I whisper. As I tell her, relief fills me.
Just saying the words lifts a huge weight off my chest. I haven’t talked about this before with anyone other than Cara and Logan, and of course, they already know this about me. But to tell someone new? This is a lot for me.
Her eyes widen but her expression softens. “That’s definitely not a club any of us want to belong to. I’m so sorry. We have more in common than I thought, sadly.”
I nod. “Definitely not a status I saw for myself when I was only twenty-six. Six years later and I’m still struggling to move on. How did you heal and move on? Or have you even been able to?”
“I’m still healing. Grief comes in waves. There’s no timeline for it. It takes a long time, and sometimes healing just happens, like on an ordinary Saturday. You just laugh, cry a little, and exhale, because you are finally a little more at peace with it.”
I nod. I like what she said about how grief has no timeline. It seems to take the edge off the guilt for me. I start to feel like maybe it’s time to work through this now. Better late than never.
“Do you think it’s possible to find the love of your life a second time?” I hedge.
“I do. I think to lose a husband so young is tragic and heartbreaking, but you have to keep living, Beth. Life is a gift. You have to find your happiness again.”
“I know you’re right. I haven’t processed it very well. I bury it under my work and move around from place to place. I stay busy to try to numb out my grief. It’s time to heal now, though. I can feel it, I’m just not sure how.”
“May I ask what happened?”
“Car accident. I never really felt comfortable talking about it, until now I guess.” I focus on the autumn leaves outside the window, trying to keep from ugly crying in front of Margie. Something about Margie makes me feel comfortable and safe. She’s everything I would have wanted in a mother, one of my old foster care dreams come to life.
Margie leans over and puts her arm around me. She pulls me close to her and kisses the top of my head. This means so much to me, I bet she has no idea. I have needed this moment so badly. It feels like my permission to heal.
She pats my hand. “Take your time, sweetie. You can talk about it whenever you’re ready.”
We sit for a while in silence, but just being here with her is relaxing and it feels good. I haven’t felt like myself in so long; instead, I’ve felt disassociated and lost. But being here at the inn, it’s been like coming home to a home I never knew could even exist for me. It makes the grief and pain hurt a lot less.
What scares me is that I’m falling hard for Evan, but I’m falling for this place, too. This incredible inn and his amazing family. His mom is genuine and kind, I love being around Kase, and Pete and Sasha have been nothing but welcoming. Is this what it’s like to have a true family, regardless of blood? I’ve only been here for such a short while and I have a connection to them.
“You’re a good mom. Evan and Allie are so lucky to have you,” I say, the words absently falling out of my mouth.
Joy shines in her eyes. “Thank you. I love being their mom. I’m very proud of both of them.”
I feel like the more I tell her, the better I will feel, so I open up some more.
“I lost my mom to cancer when I was six and I never knew my dad. I was in and out of foster homes until I aged out of the system.”
Margie’s hand flies to her throat and her eyes meet mine. “Oh, honey.”
“I always dreamed of having a family and a home like this. Then I had it with someone and…”
A tightness fills my chest. Margie reaches over and puts her hand over mine.
I take a deep breath. “First my mom, and then my husband. I can’t lose anyone again,” I tell her.
Her eyes fill with tears. “I’m sorry, Beth.”
I nod and try to smile. “I’m sorry for your loss, too. Like you said, not a club we want to belong to, but here we are.”
She tilts her head. “I haven’t known you very long, but I can tell that you are resilient and strong.”
It means a lot to have her tell me this. I don’t feel very resilient or strong, but hearing this from her makes me feel better.
My mind drifts off for a moment and I imagine John sitting across from me, smiling and holding my hand. I suddenly drift back to the present, realizing how much I’ve been living in the past and that I need to start living more for the future.
“Love is a beautiful risk. Don’t miss out on something beautiful because you’re afraid.”
In my heart, I know she’s right. I know I have a lot to figure out, I just don’t know where to start.
