Page 48 of See You Next Winter
“Just fuck me rough, OK?”
I hear the words, but I can’t make my body react to them.
“I… I…”
“You don’t want to fuck me?” she asks, trailing her fingers down between her breasts. “I made myself all pretty for you so you can ruin my make-up.”
“I do, I just…”Oh God, I do, but not like this.“I'm not… I want to take my time with you. Enjoy every second.”
Kayla swallows hard and sits up. She lifts her knees to her chest and presses her fingertips against her eye sockets. When I reach out to stroke her hair, so long and soft with how she's straightened it, she ducks away.
“It’s been a long day,” she says, taking a deep breath. “Can you pass me a t-shirt?”
My heart is racing as I fetch one of mine from the closet. She turns away to pull it over her head and starts rummaging in her luggage.
“Did I say something wrong?” I ask.
“My body clock is still on French time, I think. It’s so late, I think I want to take my make-up off and go to sleep.” She finds whatshe’s looking for, squirting some lotion onto a cotton pad and sweeping it over her eyes.
“Kayla, I’m sorry, I couldn’t help it. Please don’t be mad.”
“I know you couldn’t,” she says brightly, but I can tell it’s forced. “I’m not mad at you, I’m just—”
“Oh fuck. Please don’t say you’re disappointed.”
“Well, I am,” she snaps, spinning to face me and throwing her hands in the air. “I knew you’d be working, I knew I’d hate being in a city, and I don’t know what I was thinking, coming out here like this.”
“I’m sorry, OK?” I slump onto the foot of my bed, my head in my hands. “I’m so fucking sorry, but I can’t just leave work. It’s not that kind of job.”
We never fight, so we switch to heavy sighs and words pulled back from the brink of being spoken aloud. When she’s done removing her make-up in silence, she stands in front of me and pulls my head to her stomach. Her fingers weave through the strands of my hair and she holds me there while we calm down.
“I’m sorry, too,” she says softly. “I knew what I was getting into, and it’s not fair of me to put that on you. I probably should have waited until the timing was better but I really wanted to see you. We’ve never had a birthday together, and I wanted to be here for that.”
My hands cup the backs of her legs, smooth and firm, grounding me to the one thing I’ve always found comfort in. Her.
“I wanted to see you, too. I’d shrink you down and take you to work in my pocket if I could.”
She giggles at the thought, letting go and crawling underneath the covers.
“We should get some sleep.”
Our bodies shift until we find a comfy position with me behind her. Kayla reaches back for my arm and pushes my hand up underneathher shirt to rest over her heart. In minutes, she’s snoring softly in my arms, the way I wish for every night.
I’m not a praying man, but I don’t know who else to ask now. I let my eyes drift close, and whisper against her hair.
“If there’s a world where this works, please God let it be this one. I can’t lose her.”
Chapter 36
Kayla
I manage a coupleof hours of sleep, but Ryan tosses and turns all night. Getting out of bed before six feels illegal, so I force myself to stay beside him, watching until the clock on my phone ticks over into the next hour.
Carefully, I slip out of his sheets and into the shared bathroom across the hall. The water pressure is good, thank god, and I scrub my skin pink, while silent tears slip down the drain.
This was supposed to be a fun trip. I don’t understand how being here can hurt so much. How one person can be both a blessing and a curse? I hate that I fell for someone I'll never be able to have in all the ways I want.
After drying off, I make a fresh pot of coffee and curl up on his sofa with my book. On Saturday mornings at home, I like to get out as early as possible, but right now there’s nothing that appeals more than this.
