Page 46 of See You Next Winter
“And how are things with Hannah?” I ask.
He breaks into a wide smile, the corners of his eyes crinkling at the mention of her name. I wonder what Ryan’s face looks like when my name comes up in conversation. If he talks about me at all.
“They’re so great. I mean, I miss her loads, but we talk most days.”
“That’s good. Long-distance relationships are hard work.”
“They are, but I’m actually…” he leans in and lowers his voice. “Hannah doesn’t know this yet, but I’ve applied for a sound job in London. If I get it, I’ll be able to move there as soon as I can.”
“Wow, Cameron, that’s amazing. I’m keeping everything crossed for you.”
I nod along while he talks me through his vision about how it will all play out, the room blurring around me. Cameron reaches across the table for my hand.
“Hey, don’t cry. Did I say something wrong?”
“No, definitely not. I’m thrilled for you.”
“What’s going on?”
I pat my tears with my napkin, hoping I haven’t smudged my makeup too badly.
“Is it really that easy?” From the look on his face, he doesn’t follow. “You love her, so you pack up your lifeand go be with her?”
“Well, yeah,” he says with a lopsided smile. “She’s settled in London, loves being close to her parents. It doesn’t make any sense for her to come here, and I’d do anything for my girl.”
Pressing my fingertips into the corners of my eyes does nothing to stem the flow of tears.
“Does Ryan know you’re going?” I ask him, and he shakes his head.
“I don’t want to say anything until I know for sure. Can you keep my secret?” He holds his pinkie finger out across the table, and I hook mine around it and shake.
“My lips are sealed.”
“How are you guys finding the whole long distance relationship thing?” Cameron asks, taking a forkful of ravioli while I almost choke on mine.
“Well, it’s different. We’re not in a relationship.”
“Oh,” he says, leaning back in his chair. “I’m sorry. With the way he talks, and you being here right now. I thought… I thought you were giving it a shot.”
“What does he say?”
He narrows his eyes, leaning in with a smirk. “You gonna make me break bro-code?”
“He really talks about me?”
“Only every time I see him. He really cares about you, Kayla.”
When I thought about this trip, I pictured sunshine and beaches, goofy selfies in front of the Hollywood sign. I didn’t picture me in heels I can barely walk in, sobbing behind a napkin in a restaurant full of celebrities, with Ryan nowhere to be seen.
“I’m so confused, Cam. We’ve always done this whole‘see you next winter’thing. I’m a temporary person in his life. We’ve never met up outside the mountains, never even kept in touch until this year. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing here, to be honest.”
It’s the first time I’ve expressed those feelings to anyone else, and the relief of having it out there ispalpable.
“I don’t know what happened last Christmas, but something changed for sure. He’s down bad, and he hates himself for not being here tonight. But…” he says, topping up our drinks. “He’s just a guy.”
His warm laugh reminds me of what my girlfriends back in Edinburgh would probably say if they could see me right now. Nobody even knows I’m here, except Ryan and Cameron. I’m always fixated on him keeping me a secret, when that’s exactly what I’m doing.
“And…” Cam continues, raising his glass to clink with mine. “We’re not going to let some dumb boy put us off dessert now, are we?”
