Page 13 of See You Next Winter
Ah yes, last year where I spent every minute I wasn’t skiing moping on their sofa, eating chocolate coins, and crying all over the mountain. Hannah and I met up to ski one morning, but I spent the entire time trying to work up the courage to ask for her brother’s phone number, then hating myself for being so desperate.
“You should not be encouraging this.”
“We’re just saying it’s nice you’re all here, darling,” Mum says. “That’s all.”
My friends back in Edinburgh would say I’m lucky my parents aren’t putting any pressure on me to find a man and settle down. As we approach our thirties, all of them are being asked when grandchildren might be on the cards, as if kids are the ultimate ticket to happiness.
It's not that I don't want kids, but I don't let my thoughts go there. I’ve spent so many years hankering after my next fix of Ryan, I never stopped to think about what our arrangement meant for my long-term relationship prospects. Obviously, it’s not going to be him, but his hold on me means I’ve struggled to give anyone else a real chance.
There’s an endless supply of hot guys out here, and most are on vacation or working a season. I’ve always viewed them as an opportunity for some no-strings fun, something to scratch an itch.
Thanks for the sex, see you never.
Meeting someone who lives here year round is much more terrifying. It’s not a big town, and I couldn’t bear the awkwardness of dating someone, then having to see them around when it inevitably went wrong.
And it would. I’d make it go wrong because, despite my attempts to get over him, I’m still a silly little girl with a crush on Ryan Richmond. No man has ever come close to the way he makes me feel.
These years apart have been an emotional rollercoaster that has seen me crying, pining, and cursing his name in equal measure.
I’ve tried to pretend he’s dead to me, but it’s impossible. Sometimes when I ski past a spot that holds strong memories, I wonder if I moved here permanently to be closer to him in spirit, if not geographically. I cruise around the slopes, haunted by the memory of his bright laugh and warm hugs. It’s not fair he’s so good in bedandthe best hugger.
I know there are two people in this… whatever this is. I could probably have tracked him down any time, but after the first Christmas where he didn’t come home, every month made it harder to get in touch.
What if he wasn’t bothered? What if he texted back‘who is this?’and it wasn’t a joke? I’dnever recover.
I’m not going to be caught dead hunting down a man to ask if he would please grace me with his presence for two measly weeks of the year. Trying to move on from him is a constant work in progress, and if he hadn’t shown his face this year, I don't know if I’d ever have been able to give him another.
How long am I supposed to wait for scraps of nothing?
Chapter 10
Ryan
Three Winters Ago / Age Twenty-Five
Our situation is nosecret, and I think our families know we find it tough to say goodbye to each other. In the last days of our visit, they give us space to be alone, which is how I’ve found myself sat across from Kayla in her parents’ hot tub. Her head rests against the edge, bubbles breaking all over the front of her chest, and I spy a red bruise from where I sucked too hard on her skin.
I'm happy to be leaving her with a mark even though I know it will fade not long after I'm gone.
“Our last night,” I sigh. “Is there anything we didn't get around to doing?”
She shakes her head, a sleepy, satisfied smile on her face. “I think this was our best year yet, you know? We ticked everything off.”
Kayla brought a few new toys to experiment with, a strawberry lube we both agreed we taste way better without. Last night, on her request, I snuck into her bedroom from the balcony and covered her mouth while I edged her with my fingers.
My list wasn’t very long. After so many years of not sleeping over, all I wanted was to wake up with her and have sleepy morning sex, just like I long for back home in my new L.A. apartment. We threw out the rulebook last night, and fell asleep in each other's arms. I woke up with her hand in my pants, then her mouth making all my wishes come true.
“I’m glad I make all your dreams come true.”
Beneath the water, she kicks her foot out, but I grab it with both hands and press my thumbs into the sole. “You're so cheesy.”
“Yeah, but you still love me.”
It comes out of nowhere. My thumb stills and our eyes lock. We’ve never said that word to each other, barely spoken about our feelings at all. What’s the point when we know we’re saying goodbye so quickly?
“Oh, Ryan,” she sighs, crossing the tub to slip into my lap. “I probably could love you, unfortunately.”
“Why unfortunately?”
